a crack in the ice | post-christmas break, first year | tw: child abuse

[effingsirius]

He's obviously subdued when he comes back from Christmas break. He smiles at his friends, but he manages to ward off any hugs by clinging tight to his trunk so that he doesn't leave any arms free. There's something off about the way that he holds himself, but he manages to laugh with the rest of them and listen to stories of the holiday break with cheer.

If anyone notices that he keeps his own stories to himself, or that his laugh dies almost the instant it seems right to, it's likely the merry band of friends who've begun to call themselves the Marauders.

It isn't until they make their way up the stairs to the Tower that it becomes clear the silence is hinting at an unspoken problem. It is until they're all changing for bed that he realizes there's no way to hide the bruises from the other boys sharing the room.

Shrugging his shirt off is a quick thing, done when he hopes no one notices. He's not fast enough. Eventually, someone's going to notice. Eventually, someone's going to say something.

But until then, Sirius is going to keep to himself just how terrible of a person he is. Maybe if he keeps it secret long enough, they'll still think he deserves to be their friend.

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[peterohpeter]

Sirius wasn't the only one off returning from break. Albeit it was harder to tell with PEter. He was shy and quiet, very mousy compared to the other boys. Still, he is a bit quieter. His smiles not quite reachign his eyes. His movements more restrained and controlled. Speaking far less than before. Offering the vaguest of opinions when prompted. And the need to clean. To straighten things up. In those first few days he is a machine. Unconsciously picking up after the others. If they're a messy sort? They found all their things neatly put away without them having done it. Its not the House Elves doing it.

Like today. After class Peter had felt dirty and so had ended up returning before the others did and showered. Freshly showered he walked around the Tower room with his skin reddened from a harsh scrubbing, a salve soaking into his hands keeping the chapped skin from cracking and bleeding, barely. Thank you, Madam Prompfrey.

He picked up the discarded clothign fromt he morning, getting the room back to rights. Humming a hymn under his breath as he went. Just in loose jeans and a slightly too big muggle t-shirt. His curls dark and damp. Maybe a clean room would help Sirius out of his sad mood? And maybe the salve Pompfrey gave him for his hands would help Siri's bruises? Should he offer? Peter worried his dried bottom lip as he contemplated that, startlign a bit when someone entered. Sirius.

"Oh, hello," he said, giving another of those smiles that didn't quite reach his eyes. Looking nervous and skittish as she shuffled over to put the clothes he had gathered in a hamper.

[effingsirius]

Sirius knows by now that it's likely Peter has seen the bruises. He thought he'd seen him catch sight of them this morning. It had been part of the reason he'd fled the Tower shortly afterwards, leaving his discard clothing behind.

He's not expecting any of them to be back when he enters the Tower. That's why he's halfway to taking his shirt off again when he walks in and is greeted by Peter.

Yanking his shirt back down over the rest of the bruises is instant.

"--Hey, Pete. What're you doing here?"

[peterohpeter]

Peter frowned when he saw Sirius pull down his shirt, lips parting to say something, but he didn't. Instead he ducked his head and kept moving until he hands were empty. At that point he just fidgeted. Awkward in this moment alone with Sirius, not sure about what he should do.

"Nothing just... Felt like an early shower, and then... just..." he motioned about the room uselessly. After another moment he moved back toward his bed and was going to sit down, except the salve jaw was still on his nightstand and caught his eyes. After a moment he picked it up and moved toward the other boy. "Ummm... this is for healing," he said, head ducked as he held it out to Sirius. "You can put it on your bruises... if you want to. You don't have to. I just thought... you might..."

[effingsirius]

He shifts carefully to go sit carefully on his bed while Peter shuffles around cleaning. He blinks in obvious surprise at the offered jar, eyes flickering just a hint nervously up to his friend.

"...Oh." He's not prying. He's not fussing worriedly or judging him for how many bruises there are. That makes it a little easier to take it. "Thanks."

It takes him a moment of just holding it, unscrewing the cap open and shut again before he offers a small truth out of gratitude for the salve.

"They-- hid the bruise cream while I was home," he says, a little abruptly, gaze dropping away, "'s why it-- looks like this."

It's not a confession, exactly, but it's a start.

[peterohpeter]

Peter was about to move away when Sirius reclosed the lid of the jar, making him pause. Then Sirius spoke up making his eyes widen again briefly before a sad, understanding look appears. Peter was then left to fidget a moment.

He didn't know what to do. Hug Sirius? He always wished for embraces in moments of vulnerability, wanting the love and affection he'd never received at home. But what if Sirius didn't want it? Then there was the fact his friend was hurt, and Peter didn't want to make him hurt more. So instead Peter moved to sit next to Sirius and laid his head to rest on the other boy's shoulder, his abused hand raising up to lightly touch and rest against the other boy's arm; thinking nothing about his own hurts. They were so common to him, he never thought of hiding them. They just were.

"There's no healing slaves and cream at home," he said in a small voice, voicing his own. "So Pomfrey gave me this, like when I first got here. I'm sure she'd give you some too, but you can share mine when you need it." He paused a moment before continuing. "I can help you put it on the ones you can't reach?"

[effingsirius]

His breath catches just slightly as Peter moves to settle his head against his shoulder. He relaxes after a moment, though he does frown just a bit down at the injuries on the back of his friend's hand. He's seen them before, but in the context of the words his attention is all the more drawn to them.

"--It won't hurt your hand?"

[peterohpeter]

At Sirius' concern Peter glances up and blinks in an owlish fashion, surprised and confused by the concern. Pompfrey had also been concerned over it, but the woman could only lecture softly at him as it was all his own doing. Nothing inflicted on him by others. At least, she didn't know all his cleaning was on orders at home.

"Hmm? No. Well, it might ache or itch a little, but that's alright." He said, shrugging as he sat up and shifted on the bed. Ready to help his friend. "Take off your shirt? I'll try to be quick and not hurt you."

[effingsirius]

The surprise hurts a little. Peter is a good kid. He doesn't deserve to be confused by concern.
He's not Sirius, after all.

"Are you sure? I don't want to make you hurt worse. I can do it myself."

He certainly has before. He rarely lets Regulus help with this, after all.

[peterohpeter]

Peter smiles the first truly real smile since returning to school, and it's a thankful one. Thankful for his friend who cares, though Peter thinks it isn't needed. He then holds out his hand for the salve, shaking his head.

"No, it's alright. Let me help you. Please? You're... you're my friend, right? Friends... they help each other. I want to help you." Peter then licked his dry lip, looking a little like a lost puppy, hoping he's not doing something wrong. He'd always watched friends before, he'd never actually been a friend.

[wolfymcwolf]

Remus was all too happy to see his friends again after the holiday, as nice a break as it had been from having to hide his condition. Unfortunately that initial cheer had dimmed once he'd noticed that something was off with two of his new friends. Sirius especially was noticeably quieter, and Remus recognized the way he tried to hide himself, to move quick enough through getting dressed that no one would see whatever it was he was trying to cover up.

He doesn't bring it up until they're alone, James and Peter having already gone off to breakfast. "Hey, Sirius... are you okay?" He frowns worriedly. "I saw the bruises."

[effingsirius]

Sirius startles a little at how directly Remus addresses the bruises, his gaze dropping away just a hint nervously. His smile is tight and not at all genuine.

"'m fine," he replies, shrugging instinctively and wincing when it tugs at the injuries, "Couldn't get my hands on the bruise cream at home, 's all. It'll be fine in a week or so."

[wolfymcwolf]

The reply is not reassuring in the slightest. Sirius doesn't even seem to realize that it's not normal to have those bruises in the first place. Remus had gotten all sorts of lectures on keeping his injuries from his transformations hidden over the years, he knew it wasn't normal to have them. "That's not what I meant... How'd you get hurt? Did something happen over Christmas break?"

[effingsirius]

A sharp, bitter laugh.

"Well, yeah." There's a bit of a 'duh' to his tone, as though it should be obvious.

(He really doesn't know it shouldn't be.)

"You guys've been too much of a good influence on me. Or maybe a bad influence on me. Mum and Dad aren't very pleased I'm starting to get all sorts of ideas over here."

[wolfymcwolf]

Remus is horrified and it shows. "Your parents did that to you? Sirius, that-- that's horrible! How can they do that?" He sounds furious, on Sirius' behalf. "I knew they'd taught you all that awful stuff but--"

[effingsirius]

The vehemence of the reaction makes him step back in obvious surprise. The anger, despite being aimed at his parents, can't help but make him flinch just briefly.

"What-- of course they did," he replies, confusion and alarm laced through his voice, "We had a huge row the first night back because they were saying horrid things and I-- rather rudely pointed out how that's probably not very good to say. 's what I get for being a bit of a prick. I'm not nearly as good as you or James about phrasing it in a way that-- makes sense."

[wolfymcwolf]

"What do you mean 'of course'?" The realization is like a bucket of ice water poured over his head. He remembers the flinch and stops, taking a breath. Trying to be calmer. He doesn't want to remind Sirius of them. "Sirius, that's not-- that's not normal. They're not supposed to-- No one is supposed to hurt their children. Ever! Even if they're being a prick, and honestly, I doubt you were being one, standing up against what they were saying like that. That's a good thing to do."

[effingsirius]

That earns an utterly confused blink, his eyes drifting tentatively back up to Remus' face to try to read for the lie he's certain is there. Those words don't make sense, after all.

"I'm a prick-- literally all th'time, Remus," he replies, "I'm rude and I talk back-- all the time and never say things right. 's not about what I was saying, it was just-- the tone. Maybe it was-- the right thing t'say, but I didn't say it respectfully. 'm not good at that. How else were they supposed to remind me?"

[forevertwentyone]

He doesn't quite understand. At some level, he can't quite understand. The last eleven years haven't really prepared him to understand beyond the occasional soft chatter from his mother about things he wasn't entirely certain he'd really caught hold of.

"Hey."

He doesn't actually have a brother. Still, there's something like fraternal impulse shoving him roughly into sitting on the end of Sirius's bed.

"What's up with you?"

Not the most delicate tack, true, but it's what he had.

[effingsirius]

It's not the most delicate tack. Which is kind of nice, really, because it means Sirius isn't necessarily immediately on the defensive. It means he can smile crookedly at James, even though it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"Me? Nothing at the moment." Which is true, technically, "Why, y've got a plan for something?"

[forevertwentyone]

"Maybe."

Which is true, technically. It's usually true, technically.

"You've just seemed-- off."

[effingsirius]

"--Ah."

A rough shrug; his gaze dropping from James' a little nervously.

"'m getting to be all right now. Just didn't like being home, much."

[forevertwentyone]

It takes a moment. He's not good at reading Sirius yet, but he knows he ought to take a moment to simply study the other young man's face.

"...why?"

[effingsirius]

Another rough shrug.

"You know how parents are." Though he suspects that James, being the mostly good person that he is, doesn't have to deal with his parents punishing him the way Sirius' does. Sirius doubts any of his friends are as terrible and therefore as frequently disciplined as he is, "Mum and Dad and I had a row pretty much every other night I was home, and they hid all the bruise cream, so 'm a bit of a mess."

[forevertwentyone]

"Because you were fighting?"

It's fairly clear there's a disconnect here.

[effingsirius]

A confused blink, for the fact the question needs to be asked in the first place.

"Well, yeah."