a crack in the ice | post-christmas break, first year | tw: child abuse

[effingsirius]

He's obviously subdued when he comes back from Christmas break. He smiles at his friends, but he manages to ward off any hugs by clinging tight to his trunk so that he doesn't leave any arms free. There's something off about the way that he holds himself, but he manages to laugh with the rest of them and listen to stories of the holiday break with cheer.

If anyone notices that he keeps his own stories to himself, or that his laugh dies almost the instant it seems right to, it's likely the merry band of friends who've begun to call themselves the Marauders.

It isn't until they make their way up the stairs to the Tower that it becomes clear the silence is hinting at an unspoken problem. It is until they're all changing for bed that he realizes there's no way to hide the bruises from the other boys sharing the room.

Shrugging his shirt off is a quick thing, done when he hopes no one notices. He's not fast enough. Eventually, someone's going to notice. Eventually, someone's going to say something.

But until then, Sirius is going to keep to himself just how terrible of a person he is. Maybe if he keeps it secret long enough, they'll still think he deserves to be their friend.

Comments

[effingsirius]

Another shrug.

"I mean, not 'f I'm-- not being awful. Just when I deserve it."

Because that feels as simple and natural as it seems as simple and natural to James to argue against.

[forevertwentyone]

"You aren't awful."

If there's a pause, it's only the compulsive sort he takes from time to time to fix his glasses and drag a hand absently through his hair.

"And I don't think y' could-- possibly deserve to be hurt by-- anyone."

[effingsirius]

A shaky laugh, one that's meant to be humorous but falls a bit flat.

"Tell that to my-- Mum and Dad."

[forevertwentyone]

He almost reaches out. He shifts his hand absently on the blanket between them without actually reaching too far forward.

"Would it help?"

[effingsirius]

That gets his eyes widening, the shake of his head instant.

"No! No, they wouldn't-- listen to you, anyways. Besides it's-- not true."

He is awful, and awful people deserve to be punished.

[forevertwentyone]

"What's not true?"

It can't be the deserving part. That's clearly just ridiculous.

[effingsirius]

He shrugs once more, roughly.

"The deserving bit, mostly," he says, "I know me."

[forevertwentyone]

"I know you too."

In a deep, quiet way, even after this comparatively short amount of time.

"Don't seem like you deserve much but-- good things."

[effingsirius]

"Yeah, but you're-- basically a saint, Jay."

How could he not be, to tolerate Sirius even this long without insult?

"If you were normal like my parents, 't'd be-- different."

[forevertwentyone]

That gets a soft snort. Even coming off time with his own parents, 'saint' is a bit of a far-fetched word.

"Like how?"

[effingsirius]

"You'd get sick of how-- stupid I am about things," he explains, "Yell more, probably. I guess y'could try to beat me up, too, but I'd probably just end up fighting you."

Which is one of the many reasons he's Wrong, as a person.

[forevertwentyone]

"What're you stupid about?"

He can't imagine. He also can't imagine he'll get in trouble for flopping properly down onto the bed.

[effingsirius]

The look he gives James can best be described as 'disbelieving.' As if James doesn't know everything that's wrong with him.

"Well-- All the Muggle stuff, first of all," he says, "And 'm just-- generally a prick. Incredibly rude and not-- at all a good person." A tilt of his head, "'s kinda obvious, isn't it?"

[forevertwentyone]

"Not really."

So it's time to get really, properly settled, then. He needs to adjust his glasses, briefly, but the one hand is sprawled absently toward the other young man in invitation. Staring at the ceiling together had already helped more than one problem get unstuck. No reason it wouldn't help now.

"I mean, even if they don't like the Muggle stuff, 's not the sort of thing t' get really upset about. And you're not that much ruder than I am, y' know." With his theoretical sainthood and all. "Honestly, Sirius, dunno why you'd say you weren't a good person, either."

[effingsirius]

It's still comfortable, to settle beside James and take his hand. He's no reason to fear it.

Really, that's one of the many things on the list of why James is a good person. This certainly isn't something he expects from home. He and Reg barely hold hands even when one of them is hurt.

"Seriously?" And he can't help the slight grin on his lips for the pun, "You know me, Jay. Dunno how you don't see it. Seems pretty obvious."

At least, it has been to his parents, and they've quite thoroughly taught that lesson to him, as well.

[forevertwentyone]

His thumb smooths absently, thoughtful and calm as he studies the other young man's face.

"What is? You've just been an amazing friend t' me, yeah?"

.....i missed this tag this is the Worst

[effingsirius]

"'ve tried. You've still had to-- give me a shove in the right direction, more often than not."

Metaphorically, for the most part, and that's another reason why James is better than he deserves.

good now i can cry about this again too

[forevertwentyone]

"Not about the big stuff."

There were little bits and pieces, of course. There were little pauses and tongue-clicks, the way there often were when 'old family' children first entered more mixed settings. They were hardly damning.

"Big stuff's all you. Right at the core. And it's good."

/soft sobs

[effingsirius]

The shake of his head is more instinct than anything else. He knows his own nature.

But he also knows James, and James wouldn't lie about this.

"What d'you mean, the big stuff?"

[forevertwentyone]

There's the tiniest bit of squirming. Looking other boys in the eye and talking from the gut isn't the most comfortable thing in the world, but it's wholly worthwhile with Sirius.

"You're good at listening. And at making people feel safe. And-- you're really honest."

All cardinal virtues.

[effingsirius]

It's nice to see the earnestness in James' eyes. It gets him flushing, just a bit, but he manages to maintain eye contact for the most part.

"--Really?"

That.... doesn't sound like anything that describes him, at all.

[forevertwentyone]

"Really."

Pranks, of course, are one thing. The rest of James has been settled into a default of honesty since before he'd even come to Hogwarts.

"You're amazing."

[effingsirius]

"I mean in-- some ways, yeah."

Because his ego isn't as bruised as his body.

"But-- listening? Being honest? Making people feel-- safe?"

Really?

[forevertwentyone]

They're all important. Still, it's good to start with the one he's certain can come the most credibly.

"Make me feel safe. Galleon says y' make Remus and Peter feel safe too."

[effingsirius]

"Huh."

It's clear that's news to him. It's got him shifting a little more closer to James for something approaching a flop.

"News t'me."