marauderstower | spoopy shenanigans [ota]

He doesn't want to be the cause of that worry but he can't quite help it, the way his fight or flight instinct manifests.

Still, he wonders if he can salvage it.

"Damn stuff is too sticky, isn't it? Gets on everything, everywhere, for no bloody reason." Yes, blame the glitter.

"Well-- yes."

He'd be more inclined to blame the glitter if the glitter wasn't.... worryingly also on his brother's neck, and if Regulus didn't have that wary look in his eyes.

(A part of him knows, already, deep down. A part of him recognizes that particular shade of glitter and why it might be on his brother's neck and why that fear might be in his eyes.)

"How'd it get all over you, anyways? Thought I ran out of all the blue glitter bombs after I attacked Remus with them..."

Oh.

Oh, oh wait.

"...Huh."

Regulus is already mentally scrambling for an answer, something to explain it all away. He's always been a good liar, but it's also always fallen short when it comes to Sirius. Still, he's almost ready, prepared to drawl something out lazily, but Sirius is piecing things together too quickly.

It would be worse if Sirius thought they'd fought somehow, right?

Still, his heart is sinking. Just a little. (The cruelest part of him still sometimes wonders which of them Remus would pick, if forced.)

"Huh what?" is what he finally settles on, lamely. Perhaps a fight would have been better.

"...Did you and Remus fight?"

It would be-- unusual, of the other young man. He's fairly certain they aren't close enough to the full moon for irritability to be a problem. But maybe Regulus had said something bigoted like Sirius used to. They'd grown up in the same house, after all.

"What? No--"

It comes out unbidden before he can even stop to contemplate the fact he had just been considering passing this off as that, when in reality he can't actually stomach the thought.

Suppose that marks where he stands, then.

He shakes his head then, a little too vehemently. "No. No, we didn't fight."

We just sneaked off behind your back.

Merlin.

"That's... not what this is. Not at all. Remus and I--" It's quiet, and almost timid. He doesn't know what to say. Any possible way for this to not sound fucking terrible for having hidden it.

"We wouldn't fight because--I love him." It's drawn out of him hoarse, barely audible.

"Oh."

Oh.

There's a strange mix of emotions that whirl through him very quickly. There's the obvious surprise, of course, first and foremost. There's the confusion, because he hadn't thought they'd known each other that well.

There's hurt, because they'd hid it from him. Because that answer meant that the glitter came from something very much not a fight.

There's anger, too, bright and burning and brief, when the jealousy makes him want to hit Regulus so badly it makes him exhale sharply. Take a step back because now he feels very, very sick for the fact the thought occurred to him at all.

Maybe he's not so different from their parents after all.

They pass so quickly over his face Regulus probably won't be able to decipher quite all of them. They'll disappear quite suddenly when Sirius takes a deep breath and his expression suddenly quiets in a way that he hasn't managed since the Marauders started teaching him how to express his feelings again.

"That's-- I see. 's a.... good choice, Reg. He's a-- good man." He takes another calm breath, again, manages a smile and, somehow, to start to ask the question even though it hurts, "How long--?"

Regulus catches enough of those emotions to piece together various aspects of the problem. He feels hollow, and cold, and bitter, and guilty. The step back means something, and there's a sharp, closed-off hurt that flickers across his face before he can shutter it away.

Before he can shut down his emotions before he starts to feel even more ill, seeing Sirius do the exact same thing he is. They're too alike in that way. Then Sirius is talking and smiling and--

Regulus takes a breath, shrugs noncommittally. "A while," he says, softly. "Not--not a very long time. I'm sorry for not saying anything, I just..." Another breath, this one almost shaking. "He's been helping me. I don't want to be like that and I can't..."

Do it alone, he doesn't say. Because that's cruel.

And that hurts, too, because first there's pain on Regulus' face and then there's the fact Regulus wants out of that mindset and hadn't come to him first. This time the pain stays carefully hidden behind the calm mask, though his head ducks just briefly as he catches his breath. This smile is, somehow, even brighter.

"That's good, Reg." His voice is soft, so that it doesn't tremble, "Picked the-- perfect person for it, honestly. He'll be-- really good for you."

"I didn't want to put everything on you again. You've always protected me and I just... I couldn't do that to you, couldn't tell you about it. You'd throw yourself away for me, and for what?"

A coward like him. His voice is thin and sharp like crackling glass but it's familiar, borderline, and he's trying to tone down. He breathes, because he knows the next step is shutting down entirely.

"I was afraid I was too much like them to face you. They tried to make me hate you, I spent too much time there, learning how to--" When he looks at Sirius it's imploring. "I wanted to be someone you could be proud of first."

"For my little brother, Reg."

He can't help that that's where he starts. He can't help that, as much as he wants Remus, protecting and loving his brother has always, always come first. If Remus helps Regulus with being and feeling better, how can he begrudge that?

"And 've-- always been proud of you, Reg. Merlin, you've-- survived this far, and after I-- left you. How could I not be proud of you?"

There's something to be said for the fact that he doesn't immediately lash out with an I don't deserve it, which speaks quiet volumes for ways in which Remus has already helped him.

"And I want to protect my big brother," is what he says instead. Firm and quiet. Less like a spiraling tower of crystal and a little stronger, pressing a reminder of when they were children, still close.

He frowns anyway though, brow furrowing. "You left because you had to. Things would have just gotten worse for you. It was for the best. I've always been able to keep my head down." He doesn't mention how it hasn't quite been enough any more. "That's how I survived, and it was fine, but I wanted something different. Want something different."

"I don't want to feel like strangers anymore, Sirius."

It says plenty. It's got his eyes and thoughts flicking briefly in the vague direction of Remus, grateful and pained all at once.

He already owes Remus so much. What can he do to repay him for giving him his brother back?

(Let him go, apparently.)

"I'm glad. You deserve to have-- something different," he says quietly, before managing a more tired but genuine smile, "I don't want to be strangers anymore, either, Reg."

There's a quiet in him again, a way also familiar in that it's him processing, working through something to figure out the best response. Not calculated, just pushing through all the shit life's thrown at them.

"I love you," he finally says, quietest of all.

He wants to hug him, but he's not sure if he's allowed. Instead a hand reaches for him and catches the end of his sleeve instead, grounding.

(Something else Remus instilled in him.)

That earns a weak, shaky laugh, because those are words he hasn't heard in too long. That's a touch that's painfully familiar-- would have been unexpected, coming from Regulus, until this new knowledge-- but is so welcome.

His own hand shifts slowly, carefully in his sleeve, fingers brushing fondly against Regulus' and clearly offering to be held.

"Love you, too, Reg. Always have, always will."

Regulus inhales a little at the touch, grasping his hand and threading their fingers and clinging to it as if it's a lifeline. Maybe in this case, it is. When he moves forward it's not an energetic surge nor a frightened shuffle, but something in between. Now that his touch is accepted he slings his free arm around Sirius' back, fingers curling tight in the fabric across his back. "I missed you all the time," he whispers, "but I wanted you to be okay the most."

The cautious half-hug makes him tremble just a little. It's got him leaning forward to mimic the moment, face pressed briefly into Regulus' shoulder before he leans back slightly, "Missed you, too."

It's soft, just a little shaky.

"And I'm-- 've been okay, now, Reg." He isn't at this immediate moment, but he doesn't need to know that, "But 'll be-- even better, once 'm sure you are."

It almost looks like Regulus is going to cry but instead he buries his face in Sirius' neck with something that sounds terribly like a sob but evens out into a shaking breath.

"Please," he whispers, "Let's never be apart like that again. I thought, because you avoided me--" that Sirius had hated him. "It was stupid. Things will be okay now."

He'll get out, somehow. And hope that Sirius really is okay.

That makes his own voice tremble, his arm squeezing his brother slightly, affectionately.

"I didn't mean t'make you think I--" Even he can't say it, "I felt-- like shit for abandoning you. I'd think of it every time I saw you, I couldn't bear it."

Still can't, really, but it helps to know Remus is making it easier.

"But it'll-- be okay, now. We'll find a way t'get you out, if you-- if you want. Bet Remus already-- has some ideas."

"You didn't abandon me," and this is fierce, staring up at Sirius with his brow furrowed. "I told you that if you could get out, you should. You did what you could, and you didn't make your own life hell just to help me. That's what I wanted, Sirius."

He breathes, shaking his head. "Better one than neither."

But then he looks a bit like he's afraid - afraid to hope, anyway. "I want out. I don't want to be there any more. If there's a way--I want it. I don't need any other family."

"I told you I'd come get you if I got out. I promised you. And then I didn't. That's abandonement, Reg. I should've-- died rather than leave you there."

Is dying a little, still, knowing Regulus is still there. Knowing he hadn't figured out a way to do it without bringing their parents down on them both-- on Regulus most of all.

A gentle bump of his forehead against his brother's, "We'll-- we'll find a way. Remus 's smart. A lot-- a lot smarter than me. We'll figure it out, no matter what. I promise, and I mean it this time."

His voice trembles only slightly around Remus' name. Hopefully Regulus just attributes it to the moment.

"Shut up," he says, and this part he's genuinely angry about. "You think I would rather you die? You think I would have been able to live with myself if you threw yourself away like a big hero just to get me out? Be realistic. This is how things had to be for a while. We can fix them now."

He doesn't say that he was bitter for so long and that Remus had made him realize the problem in that--it's not a good time for it, in any case.

Regulus is bright. He always has been. Bright enough to realize in a moment's clarity that it's probably not just the moment. His heart plummets into his stomach but he doesn't let on. Can't let on. Doesn't think about what it means.

"Don't say you're not smart." It's this he focuses on instead, softer. "Only someone smart could protect me for as long as you did. Just let's do what we have to, now."

The brief flash of anger can't help but earn a rough shrug, from Sirius, though he doesn't fight his brother's words.

Better one of them than neither. Sirius has always been determined that Regulus be the one to benefit from that thought-- Better Regulus be okay, even if Sirius couldn't be. Better Regulus be the Good Son, even if it meant Sirius drowned beneath the weight of disappointment.

Better Regulus have someone who would be Good and Kind and Care about him, even if it means breaking Sirius' own heart for it.

His breath comes out in a soft, shaky sigh as he lets his own voice quiet.

"That wasn't smart, Reg. Smart would've been getting you out." But. "Doesn't matter, now. We'll fix it."

They'll get Regulus out. That's all that matters.

Better Sirius than Regulus, in his mind - the brighter, better of them, braver and less afraid.

He doesn't want to break anyone's heart. Doesn't want to hurt anyone. Doesn't want to be hurt anymore, but that part is far less important.

Regulus still doesn't let him go, keeping him tight against his chest.

"It was smart. Don't argue with me. We'll fix it now." Then there's a pause, brief, and he murmurs so that no one but Sirius can possibly hear him.

"You can't hide from me, Sirius. You don't have to pretend for me, either. You're allowed to be angry."

He's not even talking about what he's just realized - he refuses to touch that - but he knows Sirius is upset either way, and he should be allowed to be.

The even quieter words have him ducking his head, eyes drifting from Regulus'. But it's hard to avoid eye contact, especially when he's still being held close.

"I'm not angry," he replies, and it almost doesn't taste like a lie, "I-- wish y'would've told me, 's all. Did you-- think I'd be mad? Did h-he think I'd not want t'be his friend?"

'Were you scared of me?' rises to his lips but can't make their way past them. He doesn't want to know the answer.

Doesn't want to think it might be yes.

"I care about-- both of you. Why would I-- not want th'two of you to be happy? Especially together?"

I didn't want to find out which of us he would choose is what Regulus is studiously not saying. He doesn't think he ever will.

"No. It's nothing like that. I swear, it wasn't. Things were just... I didn't want to make anything awkward. I thought--" you hated me, he also doesn't say. "I thought it might be weird. It wasn't...like that. At first. I still had to...pretend, around everyone else. Pretend I really, you know."

Hated people.

"Please don't think--I just didn't want to be a problem." That much is a bit too painfully honest.

whispers we can only hope

/fingers crossed

everything is fine dot jpeg

/strained smile

waylt

#thisisfine

#everythingisfine

at least BOTH blacks aren't having a panic attack ((((:

IDK HE'S GETTING THERE

DO NOT!!! D O THAT, REG!!!!!

Re: DO NOT!!! D O THAT, REG!!!!!

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I FORGOT TO CLEAR THE SUBJET LINE i am ashamed

IT'S OKAY WE'RE HAVING EMOTIONS <3

i can't even not typo

;w;

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