marauderstower | spoopy shenanigans [ota]

And that hurts, too, because first there's pain on Regulus' face and then there's the fact Regulus wants out of that mindset and hadn't come to him first. This time the pain stays carefully hidden behind the calm mask, though his head ducks just briefly as he catches his breath. This smile is, somehow, even brighter.

"That's good, Reg." His voice is soft, so that it doesn't tremble, "Picked the-- perfect person for it, honestly. He'll be-- really good for you."

"I didn't want to put everything on you again. You've always protected me and I just... I couldn't do that to you, couldn't tell you about it. You'd throw yourself away for me, and for what?"

A coward like him. His voice is thin and sharp like crackling glass but it's familiar, borderline, and he's trying to tone down. He breathes, because he knows the next step is shutting down entirely.

"I was afraid I was too much like them to face you. They tried to make me hate you, I spent too much time there, learning how to--" When he looks at Sirius it's imploring. "I wanted to be someone you could be proud of first."

"For my little brother, Reg."

He can't help that that's where he starts. He can't help that, as much as he wants Remus, protecting and loving his brother has always, always come first. If Remus helps Regulus with being and feeling better, how can he begrudge that?

"And 've-- always been proud of you, Reg. Merlin, you've-- survived this far, and after I-- left you. How could I not be proud of you?"

There's something to be said for the fact that he doesn't immediately lash out with an I don't deserve it, which speaks quiet volumes for ways in which Remus has already helped him.

"And I want to protect my big brother," is what he says instead. Firm and quiet. Less like a spiraling tower of crystal and a little stronger, pressing a reminder of when they were children, still close.

He frowns anyway though, brow furrowing. "You left because you had to. Things would have just gotten worse for you. It was for the best. I've always been able to keep my head down." He doesn't mention how it hasn't quite been enough any more. "That's how I survived, and it was fine, but I wanted something different. Want something different."

"I don't want to feel like strangers anymore, Sirius."

It says plenty. It's got his eyes and thoughts flicking briefly in the vague direction of Remus, grateful and pained all at once.

He already owes Remus so much. What can he do to repay him for giving him his brother back?

(Let him go, apparently.)

"I'm glad. You deserve to have-- something different," he says quietly, before managing a more tired but genuine smile, "I don't want to be strangers anymore, either, Reg."

There's a quiet in him again, a way also familiar in that it's him processing, working through something to figure out the best response. Not calculated, just pushing through all the shit life's thrown at them.

"I love you," he finally says, quietest of all.

He wants to hug him, but he's not sure if he's allowed. Instead a hand reaches for him and catches the end of his sleeve instead, grounding.

(Something else Remus instilled in him.)

That earns a weak, shaky laugh, because those are words he hasn't heard in too long. That's a touch that's painfully familiar-- would have been unexpected, coming from Regulus, until this new knowledge-- but is so welcome.

His own hand shifts slowly, carefully in his sleeve, fingers brushing fondly against Regulus' and clearly offering to be held.

"Love you, too, Reg. Always have, always will."

Regulus inhales a little at the touch, grasping his hand and threading their fingers and clinging to it as if it's a lifeline. Maybe in this case, it is. When he moves forward it's not an energetic surge nor a frightened shuffle, but something in between. Now that his touch is accepted he slings his free arm around Sirius' back, fingers curling tight in the fabric across his back. "I missed you all the time," he whispers, "but I wanted you to be okay the most."

The cautious half-hug makes him tremble just a little. It's got him leaning forward to mimic the moment, face pressed briefly into Regulus' shoulder before he leans back slightly, "Missed you, too."

It's soft, just a little shaky.

"And I'm-- 've been okay, now, Reg." He isn't at this immediate moment, but he doesn't need to know that, "But 'll be-- even better, once 'm sure you are."

It almost looks like Regulus is going to cry but instead he buries his face in Sirius' neck with something that sounds terribly like a sob but evens out into a shaking breath.

"Please," he whispers, "Let's never be apart like that again. I thought, because you avoided me--" that Sirius had hated him. "It was stupid. Things will be okay now."

He'll get out, somehow. And hope that Sirius really is okay.

That makes his own voice tremble, his arm squeezing his brother slightly, affectionately.

"I didn't mean t'make you think I--" Even he can't say it, "I felt-- like shit for abandoning you. I'd think of it every time I saw you, I couldn't bear it."

Still can't, really, but it helps to know Remus is making it easier.

"But it'll-- be okay, now. We'll find a way t'get you out, if you-- if you want. Bet Remus already-- has some ideas."

"You didn't abandon me," and this is fierce, staring up at Sirius with his brow furrowed. "I told you that if you could get out, you should. You did what you could, and you didn't make your own life hell just to help me. That's what I wanted, Sirius."

He breathes, shaking his head. "Better one than neither."

But then he looks a bit like he's afraid - afraid to hope, anyway. "I want out. I don't want to be there any more. If there's a way--I want it. I don't need any other family."

"I told you I'd come get you if I got out. I promised you. And then I didn't. That's abandonement, Reg. I should've-- died rather than leave you there."

Is dying a little, still, knowing Regulus is still there. Knowing he hadn't figured out a way to do it without bringing their parents down on them both-- on Regulus most of all.

A gentle bump of his forehead against his brother's, "We'll-- we'll find a way. Remus 's smart. A lot-- a lot smarter than me. We'll figure it out, no matter what. I promise, and I mean it this time."

His voice trembles only slightly around Remus' name. Hopefully Regulus just attributes it to the moment.

"Shut up," he says, and this part he's genuinely angry about. "You think I would rather you die? You think I would have been able to live with myself if you threw yourself away like a big hero just to get me out? Be realistic. This is how things had to be for a while. We can fix them now."

He doesn't say that he was bitter for so long and that Remus had made him realize the problem in that--it's not a good time for it, in any case.

Regulus is bright. He always has been. Bright enough to realize in a moment's clarity that it's probably not just the moment. His heart plummets into his stomach but he doesn't let on. Can't let on. Doesn't think about what it means.

"Don't say you're not smart." It's this he focuses on instead, softer. "Only someone smart could protect me for as long as you did. Just let's do what we have to, now."

The brief flash of anger can't help but earn a rough shrug, from Sirius, though he doesn't fight his brother's words.

Better one of them than neither. Sirius has always been determined that Regulus be the one to benefit from that thought-- Better Regulus be okay, even if Sirius couldn't be. Better Regulus be the Good Son, even if it meant Sirius drowned beneath the weight of disappointment.

Better Regulus have someone who would be Good and Kind and Care about him, even if it means breaking Sirius' own heart for it.

His breath comes out in a soft, shaky sigh as he lets his own voice quiet.

"That wasn't smart, Reg. Smart would've been getting you out." But. "Doesn't matter, now. We'll fix it."

They'll get Regulus out. That's all that matters.

Better Sirius than Regulus, in his mind - the brighter, better of them, braver and less afraid.

He doesn't want to break anyone's heart. Doesn't want to hurt anyone. Doesn't want to be hurt anymore, but that part is far less important.

Regulus still doesn't let him go, keeping him tight against his chest.

"It was smart. Don't argue with me. We'll fix it now." Then there's a pause, brief, and he murmurs so that no one but Sirius can possibly hear him.

"You can't hide from me, Sirius. You don't have to pretend for me, either. You're allowed to be angry."

He's not even talking about what he's just realized - he refuses to touch that - but he knows Sirius is upset either way, and he should be allowed to be.

The even quieter words have him ducking his head, eyes drifting from Regulus'. But it's hard to avoid eye contact, especially when he's still being held close.

"I'm not angry," he replies, and it almost doesn't taste like a lie, "I-- wish y'would've told me, 's all. Did you-- think I'd be mad? Did h-he think I'd not want t'be his friend?"

'Were you scared of me?' rises to his lips but can't make their way past them. He doesn't want to know the answer.

Doesn't want to think it might be yes.

"I care about-- both of you. Why would I-- not want th'two of you to be happy? Especially together?"

I didn't want to find out which of us he would choose is what Regulus is studiously not saying. He doesn't think he ever will.

"No. It's nothing like that. I swear, it wasn't. Things were just... I didn't want to make anything awkward. I thought--" you hated me, he also doesn't say. "I thought it might be weird. It wasn't...like that. At first. I still had to...pretend, around everyone else. Pretend I really, you know."

Hated people.

"Please don't think--I just didn't want to be a problem." That much is a bit too painfully honest.

Well. That helps, at least a little bit. That's got him nodding just slightly, though he can't help but ask:

"You promise? It wasn't because you were-- worried about what I'd do?"

"I promise, Sirius. I promise that wasn't it." And it's true as well - he might've been afraid that Sirius didn't love him anymore, but he'd never once been afraid of Sirius himself or of anything he would do.

"No matter what, we've always been brothers."

That earns a shaky sigh of relief and a careful, careful kiss to his brother's cheek.

"All right," he says, and it's the first time in the conversation that he actually does sound genuinely okay, "I love you, Reg. 'nd 'm so happy for you, nn?"

Regulus leans into the touch and it's his breath that shakes now, something desperate and trembling. He wishes he could believe that Sirius really is okay.

He still feels tired, and upset, and worried.

"I love you too, Sirius. There's not a moment I didn't. I just...want us to be family. Just us. Everyone else with the name is rubbish."

"We are family, Reggie."

That's firm. That comes with another shaky kiss before he steps back slightly, not letting go of his brother's hand quite yet.

"Just-- gonna be family that's properly together, once you're out of there. Promise."

This time Regulus leans up to kiss Sirius' cheek in return, looking at his face searchingly just after. Holding onto his hand.

"That's all I want. I'm...sorry now, I didn't have the courage to leave earlier. Thank you, Sirius."

The light kiss can't help but earn a soft, trembling smile. Squeezing his brother's hand is gentle, fond instinct.

"You did what y'had to do, Reggie," he says softly, "And don't thank me 'til you're free of them, mm?"

at least BOTH blacks aren't having a panic attack ((((:

IDK HE'S GETTING THERE

DO NOT!!! D O THAT, REG!!!!!

Re: DO NOT!!! D O THAT, REG!!!!!

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I FORGOT TO CLEAR THE SUBJET LINE i am ashamed

IT'S OKAY WE'RE HAVING EMOTIONS <3

i can't even not typo

;w;

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