a crack in the ice | post-christmas break, first year | tw: child abuse

[effingsirius]

He's obviously subdued when he comes back from Christmas break. He smiles at his friends, but he manages to ward off any hugs by clinging tight to his trunk so that he doesn't leave any arms free. There's something off about the way that he holds himself, but he manages to laugh with the rest of them and listen to stories of the holiday break with cheer.

If anyone notices that he keeps his own stories to himself, or that his laugh dies almost the instant it seems right to, it's likely the merry band of friends who've begun to call themselves the Marauders.

It isn't until they make their way up the stairs to the Tower that it becomes clear the silence is hinting at an unspoken problem. It is until they're all changing for bed that he realizes there's no way to hide the bruises from the other boys sharing the room.

Shrugging his shirt off is a quick thing, done when he hopes no one notices. He's not fast enough. Eventually, someone's going to notice. Eventually, someone's going to say something.

But until then, Sirius is going to keep to himself just how terrible of a person he is. Maybe if he keeps it secret long enough, they'll still think he deserves to be their friend.

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[wolfymcwolf]

Remus was all too happy to see his friends again after the holiday, as nice a break as it had been from having to hide his condition. Unfortunately that initial cheer had dimmed once he'd noticed that something was off with two of his new friends. Sirius especially was noticeably quieter, and Remus recognized the way he tried to hide himself, to move quick enough through getting dressed that no one would see whatever it was he was trying to cover up.

He doesn't bring it up until they're alone, James and Peter having already gone off to breakfast. "Hey, Sirius... are you okay?" He frowns worriedly. "I saw the bruises."

[effingsirius]

Sirius startles a little at how directly Remus addresses the bruises, his gaze dropping away just a hint nervously. His smile is tight and not at all genuine.

"'m fine," he replies, shrugging instinctively and wincing when it tugs at the injuries, "Couldn't get my hands on the bruise cream at home, 's all. It'll be fine in a week or so."

[wolfymcwolf]

The reply is not reassuring in the slightest. Sirius doesn't even seem to realize that it's not normal to have those bruises in the first place. Remus had gotten all sorts of lectures on keeping his injuries from his transformations hidden over the years, he knew it wasn't normal to have them. "That's not what I meant... How'd you get hurt? Did something happen over Christmas break?"

[effingsirius]

A sharp, bitter laugh.

"Well, yeah." There's a bit of a 'duh' to his tone, as though it should be obvious.

(He really doesn't know it shouldn't be.)

"You guys've been too much of a good influence on me. Or maybe a bad influence on me. Mum and Dad aren't very pleased I'm starting to get all sorts of ideas over here."

[wolfymcwolf]

Remus is horrified and it shows. "Your parents did that to you? Sirius, that-- that's horrible! How can they do that?" He sounds furious, on Sirius' behalf. "I knew they'd taught you all that awful stuff but--"

[effingsirius]

The vehemence of the reaction makes him step back in obvious surprise. The anger, despite being aimed at his parents, can't help but make him flinch just briefly.

"What-- of course they did," he replies, confusion and alarm laced through his voice, "We had a huge row the first night back because they were saying horrid things and I-- rather rudely pointed out how that's probably not very good to say. 's what I get for being a bit of a prick. I'm not nearly as good as you or James about phrasing it in a way that-- makes sense."

[wolfymcwolf]

"What do you mean 'of course'?" The realization is like a bucket of ice water poured over his head. He remembers the flinch and stops, taking a breath. Trying to be calmer. He doesn't want to remind Sirius of them. "Sirius, that's not-- that's not normal. They're not supposed to-- No one is supposed to hurt their children. Ever! Even if they're being a prick, and honestly, I doubt you were being one, standing up against what they were saying like that. That's a good thing to do."

[effingsirius]

That earns an utterly confused blink, his eyes drifting tentatively back up to Remus' face to try to read for the lie he's certain is there. Those words don't make sense, after all.

"I'm a prick-- literally all th'time, Remus," he replies, "I'm rude and I talk back-- all the time and never say things right. 's not about what I was saying, it was just-- the tone. Maybe it was-- the right thing t'say, but I didn't say it respectfully. 'm not good at that. How else were they supposed to remind me?"

[wolfymcwolf]

"It doesn't matter what your tone was, Sirius. It doesn't matter if you were a prick or not. They still shouldn't have hurt you. Even if you talk back, even if you yell at them, they shouldn't hurt you like that. Ever." How can he get this through to him? "When I get caught doing something I know I shouldn't, my parents just send to my room or take away my broom for a few days. Something like that. And they always tell me exactly why I shouldn't have done whatever it was I did. Because that's what parents are supposed to do when you do something wrong. Not-- Not what yours are doing."

[effingsirius]

The shake of his head is more because the words are overwhelming him than because he disagrees, necessarily.

He does still disagree, but that's just because Remus doesn't Understand.

"That's 'cause you're their kid, Remus. You're practically a saint. Anyone would give me a good beating if I was their kid; I'm awful."

[wolfymcwolf]

It's painful, to see his friend hurting like this. Maybe he didn't understand the abuse part of it, but he knew what it was like to be hurting alone. He carefully reaches out a hand, moving to rest it gently on Sirius' arm, if he doesn't object to that. "It's not your fault. You didn't make them hurt you. They're the ones that are awful. They're the ones that are doing something wrong. It's not you." It's similar to what his parents have said to him, when he was upset and feeling guilty about his condition.

[effingsirius]

There's a bit of tension when Remus reaches out to rest a hand on his arm, but when it settles gently he relaxes a little more. It's been taking a couple days, to remember that these are his friends and they haven't done anything to hurt him yet and they probably won't. They're Good People. Better than Sirius had ever deserved.

The kind words earn another shake of his head.

"That's not-- that's not true. I make them get mad all the time. I'm practically asking for it."

Sometimes is, really, if only so they don't turn on Regulus.

[wolfymcwolf]

"How they act is their fault. Not yours." He says it firmly, not brooking any argument. "You can't make them do anything. They're adults and you're a kid. They should be able to control themselves."

[effingsirius]

"Why-- should they?"

He's starting to make an impact, if the nervous uncertainty in his eyes is any indication. He's not all the way there yet.

He probably won't be there for a while, but it's a start.

"I-- deserve it."

[wolfymcwolf]

A start is all he can really hope for. "You don't deserve it, Sirius. No one deserves that, and especially not you." Sirius may say and think some truly awful things sometimes but he's still one of the first friends Remus has ever had, and he doesn't ever want him to believe that this could possibly be his fault. He has to tell someone. There must be someone who can do something, who can make sure Sirius is safe, that he doesn't have to go back.

There has to be.

[effingsirius]

Another overwhelmed shake of his head.

"I don't-- I don't know, Remus..."

A part of him wants to believe him. Another part of him doesn't want the burden of realizing that all the hurt of these past 11 years is so entirely unnecessary.

"'ve never-- Your parents really don't--? And you-- you don't think they'd-- do it t'me, either?"

[wolfymcwolf]

"Never." He answers with no hesitation, resolute. "They would never do that, to you, or me, or anyone." Remus is going to write home tonight to ask them about this, if there's anything he or they can do.

[effingsirius]

"...Oh."

It feels a little bit like when his father suckerpunches him. It's left him reeling just a little bit.

"And that's... how it's-- supposed to be? Even if you're a bad person?"

we have age-appropriate accounts now woo

[lycanthpuppy]

"Of course! You're not a bad person, anyway. Like James says, you just were taught a lot of bad things." Remus doesn't always have the patience needed to deal with Sirius' misconceptions, particularly where muggles are involved, but even when he's upset with the other boy, part of him knows it's not Sirius talking when he says those things-- not really. "And your parents were the ones to teach you! They're the bad ones."

still makes it worse ; ;

[alittlesirius]

His eyes go wide at the words, one hand instinctively clapping over his own mouth as though he was the one to say it.

"Oh, don't--" he says, and there's obvious nerves in his voice for it, "They're not-- bad. It's just-- traditional, and I need to be-- better."

yeppppp

[lycanthpuppy]

"If that's their tradition, then the tradition is wrong too." He's completely matter-of-fact about it. "Just because that's how they've always done it doesn't make it okay. You're getting better 'cause you're learning things other than what they taught you, right? Therefore, what they taught you is bad."

/single tear

[alittlesirius]

"Well-- maybe all the stuff about Muggles, yeah. But not all traditions can be bad, right?"

It's such a part of him, after all. He doesn't know what he'd do, if everything he's built himself on isn't good.