marauderstower | spoopy shenanigans [ota]

"Moony!"

Shit. Fuck. He wasn't ready for this conversation yet. He tucks the Firewhisky bottle away into his jacket as he turns, managing a bright smile.

He can't put out the cigarette yet. He needs to keep breathing in the smoke so his smile stays on.

"Reg told you he told me?"

"Shut up," he says, and this part he's genuinely angry about. "You think I would rather you die? You think I would have been able to live with myself if you threw yourself away like a big hero just to get me out? Be realistic. This is how things had to be for a while. We can fix them now."

He doesn't say that he was bitter for so long and that Remus had made him realize the problem in that--it's not a good time for it, in any case.

Regulus is bright. He always has been. Bright enough to realize in a moment's clarity that it's probably not just the moment. His heart plummets into his stomach but he doesn't let on. Can't let on. Doesn't think about what it means.

"Don't say you're not smart." It's this he focuses on instead, softer. "Only someone smart could protect me for as long as you did. Just let's do what we have to, now."

The brief flash of anger can't help but earn a rough shrug, from Sirius, though he doesn't fight his brother's words.

Better one of them than neither. Sirius has always been determined that Regulus be the one to benefit from that thought-- Better Regulus be okay, even if Sirius couldn't be. Better Regulus be the Good Son, even if it meant Sirius drowned beneath the weight of disappointment.

Better Regulus have someone who would be Good and Kind and Care about him, even if it means breaking Sirius' own heart for it.

His breath comes out in a soft, shaky sigh as he lets his own voice quiet.

"That wasn't smart, Reg. Smart would've been getting you out." But. "Doesn't matter, now. We'll fix it."

They'll get Regulus out. That's all that matters.

Better Sirius than Regulus, in his mind - the brighter, better of them, braver and less afraid.

He doesn't want to break anyone's heart. Doesn't want to hurt anyone. Doesn't want to be hurt anymore, but that part is far less important.

Regulus still doesn't let him go, keeping him tight against his chest.

"It was smart. Don't argue with me. We'll fix it now." Then there's a pause, brief, and he murmurs so that no one but Sirius can possibly hear him.

"You can't hide from me, Sirius. You don't have to pretend for me, either. You're allowed to be angry."

He's not even talking about what he's just realized - he refuses to touch that - but he knows Sirius is upset either way, and he should be allowed to be.

"Yeah." Remus' voice is much more sober than Sirius', and the bright smile (so obviously forced, he can see right through you, Sirius) tugs at his heart. He can smell the firewhiskey as he closes the distance between them, but he doesn't blame Sirius. Hell, he could use a few swigs himself right now.

"Mind if I have some of that?" He gives the front of Sirius' jacket a pointed look before offering a weak, half-smile. Just the barest quick at the corner of his lips, because he knows this is going to be a bloody awkward conversation. He wonders briefly if Sirius can hear the way his heart is hammering in his chest. Wonders if he knows how terrible it feels to have kept something so important from him.

The even quieter words have him ducking his head, eyes drifting from Regulus'. But it's hard to avoid eye contact, especially when he's still being held close.

"I'm not angry," he replies, and it almost doesn't taste like a lie, "I-- wish y'would've told me, 's all. Did you-- think I'd be mad? Did h-he think I'd not want t'be his friend?"

'Were you scared of me?' rises to his lips but can't make their way past them. He doesn't want to know the answer.

Doesn't want to think it might be yes.

"I care about-- both of you. Why would I-- not want th'two of you to be happy? Especially together?"

Merlin's fucking saggy balls. He's going to need to be a lot better than this if he's going to get Remus to even begin to believe him.

Maybe Remus doesn't remember the carefully crafted Black smile. It's been a few years since it touched his lips, after all. It pops up again, now, calm and bright and entirely unreal.

"--Right. Sure. Here." He offers the approaching half-empty bottle to his friend, lifting it in a hollow copy a toast, first, "To-- you 'nd my brother."

He resists taking a huge swig by properly handing the bottle to Remus, instead lifting the cigarette to his lips.

"You're good for him, nn?"

I didn't want to find out which of us he would choose is what Regulus is studiously not saying. He doesn't think he ever will.

"No. It's nothing like that. I swear, it wasn't. Things were just... I didn't want to make anything awkward. I thought--" you hated me, he also doesn't say. "I thought it might be weird. It wasn't...like that. At first. I still had to...pretend, around everyone else. Pretend I really, you know."

Hated people.

"Please don't think--I just didn't want to be a problem." That much is a bit too painfully honest.

Well. That helps, at least a little bit. That's got him nodding just slightly, though he can't help but ask:

"You promise? It wasn't because you were-- worried about what I'd do?"

"I promise, Sirius. I promise that wasn't it." And it's true as well - he might've been afraid that Sirius didn't love him anymore, but he'd never once been afraid of Sirius himself or of anything he would do.

"No matter what, we've always been brothers."

Of course he knows the Carefully Crafted Black Smile. He's been dating Regulus for how long? And the tosser still somehow thinks he won't recognize it. Remus closes his eyes and counts to ten, taking a deep breath. These brothers. Merlin.

When he opens his eyes, Sirius is holding out the bottle to him. He accepts the bottle and takes a hearty swig without preamble, savoring the way it burns on the way down.

"Thank you. I'd like to think so." He sighs, staring off into the darkness as opposed to looking at Sirius. He doesn't need to look to know that he's betrayed his friend terribly. Of course he knew this day would come – that they couldn't keep Sirius in the dark forever and the odds were high that it would be difficult when he did find out – but that doesn't make any of it any easier. He lifts the bottle to his lips again, hoping that maybe they'll be able to communicate a little better if they're both a it sloshed.

"I'm sorry we didn't tell you. And I'm sorry you found out... the way you did."

That earns a shaky sigh of relief and a careful, careful kiss to his brother's cheek.

"All right," he says, and it's the first time in the conversation that he actually does sound genuinely okay, "I love you, Reg. 'nd 'm so happy for you, nn?"

"Know so. You've been-- really helping him, Moony. I can't thank you enough."

And that, at least, is honest. That at least, doesn't hurt to say.

It's the rest of it that hurts. It's the rest of it that's got him waving a hand dismissively, the cigarette making careless smoke loops in the air.

"Don't worry about. Reg told me why y'didn't say. 'm just glad it wasn't because you thought I'd be-- awful about it, or something."

That's considerably less true, but maybe if he says it enough times he'll believe it, himself.

Regulus leans into the touch and it's his breath that shakes now, something desperate and trembling. He wishes he could believe that Sirius really is okay.

He still feels tired, and upset, and worried.

"I love you too, Sirius. There's not a moment I didn't. I just...want us to be family. Just us. Everyone else with the name is rubbish."

"We are family, Reggie."

That's firm. That comes with another shaky kiss before he steps back slightly, not letting go of his brother's hand quite yet.

"Just-- gonna be family that's properly together, once you're out of there. Promise."

This time Regulus leans up to kiss Sirius' cheek in return, looking at his face searchingly just after. Holding onto his hand.

"That's all I want. I'm...sorry now, I didn't have the courage to leave earlier. Thank you, Sirius."

He finally braves a glance up at Sirius, half because the firewhiskey seems to be kicking in on top of the cocktail he had earlier, and half because what Sirius said is truly touching. That he can say something so genuine amidst all the false bravado means a lot, and he's almost able to smile when–

His brows draw together. In a moment of confusion, he realizes two things: the first is what Sirius is referring to, and the second is that he really shouldn't have had that firewhiskey, because he cannot for the life of him seem to control the expression on his face.

Too late, he turns his look of utter guilt away from Sirius, lifting the bottle to his lips again in what's both a terrible idea and an attempt to cover up the look that he's certain Sirius has already seen.

The light kiss can't help but earn a soft, trembling smile. Squeezing his brother's hand is gentle, fond instinct.

"You did what y'had to do, Reggie," he says softly, "And don't thank me 'til you're free of them, mm?"

Well, that's. Not a good sign. That's got him taking a deep drag of his cigarette as Remus takes a swig. It gets his nerves down to some place manageable for him to keep his voice from shaking when he asks.

"--what is it, Remus?"

Did he say something? He doesn't know what about his past words would have, unless--

"--did you think I was going to be awful about it?"

He can't help that that hurts to ask.

Edited (i was not done + also wrong face) 2016-10-09 04:09 (UTC)

There's a droop to his shoulders now that gives him a defeated air. Once again, he can't look at Sirius, instead focusing on the mottled play of leaves in the breeze, the weak light from the house behind them making them just visible from within the deeper shadows.

There was nothing for it, now. He couldn't lie to Sirius.

"Regulus... had his reasons for not wanting to tell you," he begins, voice low as though he were in a confessional. "They were easy to go along with. But I–" He draws in a sharp breath, hand tightening around the neck of the bottle before he forces himself to continue. When he speaks, it's barely a whisper.

"I thought you'd never speak to me again, Sirius." He blinks, then closes his eyes entirely against the sudden burn behind them. "I thought I'd lose you forever."

"I can thank you when I want. I want to now." It's said without letting go of his hand, looking at his face still. "We both did what we had to, anyway. If there's no shame in mine, there's no shame in yours."

Pointedly.

That feels like a punch to the gut. That his him stepping back just slightly from the shock, trying to melt into the shadow a little more; back into the darkness where he belongs.

He almost swallows the cigarette, because the smoke isn't getting into his lungs fast enough. He manages, somehow, to keep his voice from trembling somehow when he speaks.

"Why?" Good. Somehow he manages to keep that steady and not at all hurting. Any roughness on the edges is obviously from the cigarette smoke, "'f I didn't care about-- your furry little problem, why would I-- care about this? 've never said anything-- before, when you've mentioned it."

Or maybe.

"Or 's it-- 'cause it's Reg? Merlin, Moony, why would I care about that?" He can name a few reasons, but he isn't going to. This is about making Remus feel like this is okay. Like Sirius is okay, "You're-- wonderful. And he needs more wonderful in his life. This is-- this is only a good thing."

There. That's a good lie. That one he'd managed to make sound almost completely honest.

Well. That hits home, his head ducking again in a familiar way.

"...If you say so." He doesn't believe it. Probably won't for a while, "It'll get better."

That's more important.

"Of course it's because it was Regulus!" The words are flowing before he can stop them, and he lets them go because his head feels a bit fuzzy now and it's easier than trying to make them stop. Better to get it all out in the open now anyway. Better to come clean than keep up the lies that had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

"I thought you hated him, Sirius. Your whole family, I thought–" He goes to lift the bottle to his lips but stops halfway, for once thinking the better of it and instead holding it out to Sirius to take. He probably needs it about now anyway.

"You acted like he didn't exist. You wouldn't even speak his name. And then there I was, falling–" He cuts himself off again and drags in a ragged breath, shaking his head. "I thought you'd hate me for consorting with the very people you'd been trying to escape."

After a long moment, he presses a hand to the side of Sirius' neck, gentle but firm.

When he speaks, it's quiet. "I know. I trust you." A breath. "You've always kept your promises."

spoopy shenanigans [ota]

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