Poly-Marauders Yelling At Sirius

[effingsirius]

Timeline: 2 mo after Harry's born. A few months after the Prophecy happened/Sirius made the Secret Keeper for the fam.



He'd asked Dumbledore what might happen, were the Secret Keeper to die. The older wizard's answer was what got the wheels in his head turning. He'd started, quietly, looking into the finer details of the magic. He'd agreed to the rest of his family's request to take on the role of Secret Keeper.

It isn't until he holds Harry in his arms that it all slides into something certain, rather than a half-baked plan. Of course he has to protect his family. Of course he has to protect this small, precious child with Lily's eyes and James' familiar mussy hair.

(If it just so happens that protecting the Wizarding World and their son from You-Know-Who and protecting Harry from Sirius is most effectively accomplished by the same means, well. That's all circumstantial.)

He leaves a letter for Regulus tucked away in his room. He kisses Lily softly before he leaves. He croons a fond goodbye to Harry. He murmurs a soft "I love you" to James and holds Peter a little longer than he usually does. Remus is away again, but that's okay. He brings his phone with him, so he can say goodbye when the time comes.

He goes to the Shack, because despite it all there's good memories and it's close enough to Hogwarts to feel like safety and home. He lets himself cry and shake a little until he feels more resolved. Causing a knife wound to the stomach is effective enough but slow enough that he has time to call Remus to say goodbye.

But he forgets how well the other man knows him. He forgets to cast a numbing charm on himself before it starts to hurt too much, and really, trying to sneakily do that is probably the last straw. Before he knows it, Remus is there, furious and frightened and healing him. The anger in his partner's form (and, honestly, his own quiet relief) is enough to keep him from protesting being taken to St. Mungo's to be checked on properly. From protesting being all but dragged home and forced into bed with at least one of their family members watching him at all times.

He's quiet and something approaching contrite (more for being caught, still, though a little bit for what he tried to do) as he stays where he is. There's nothing to do but let them yell, after all. He's already mucked up his chance to make things go the way he'd hoped. He'd have to wait for either a fight to take him or stick through surviving somehow.

(He isn't sure, still, even with the lingering regret from what he thought would be his last moments, which of those options he'd prefer.)


Warnings: Suicide attempt, possibly discussions of past child abuse, Sirius' past and mental illness making him sabotage his life and relationships.

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[lightmagic]

Lily is too upset to sit with him at first. She's angry, and shaking, and crying into Harry's hair in a way that he doesn't understand. She only does this until she can school her expression in front of him. Then it's her turn, her and Harry, and she carries him carefully into the room, bouncing him a tiny bit to keep him settled. They've all been taking shifts, of course - she kisses Remus lightly, affectionately, and lets him go get some rest. Instead of settling in the chair next to the bed once he goes though, she sits next to Sirius on the bed since there's plenty of room for her there.

She feels betrayed, but they all knew this might happen and she doesn't want him to think she's shying away from him. Still, there's a tension in her shoulders, a quiet upset that wouldn't be there if this hadn't happened.

Eventually she lets out a shaking breath. He's healed enough so that it won't jostle him badly to have weight on his chest so she places Harry there both for proximity and as a point. Harry is cooing softly, waving his little hands around. He's so small. She smooths a hand over his hair, then does the same for Sirius. Gentle, ghosting. When she speaks it's quiet, but rough. She feels like she hasn't spoken at all in ages save soothing whispers to Harry.

(She hasn't.)

"There is no," she starts, "no situation in which that was the right answer. None." A breath. She doesn't trust herself to keep going just yet.

[effingsirius]

There's a small flicker of surprise in his expression as she settles next to him on the bed. There's definitely obvious guilt when he spots the tension in her shoulders. There's something overwhelmed and pained and loving all at once on his face, when Harry's settled on his chest. He can't help the way he ever-so-carefully lets his hand settle against Harry, keeping the baby balanced properly.

There's just the slightest of winces when her hand comes up to smooth at his hair. It's from an instinct years old but resurfacing again now that he's feeling frightened and vulnerable.

And then he's back to quiet hurt and guilt, again, looking up at her when she starts speaking. The roughness in her voice pains him deeply.

"Lily--" he begins, his voice soft, but it's hard to find the words to explain. The plan that had made so much sense not so long ago is falling apart in the face of their hurt and the minuscule nugget of relief at surviving that he's still trying to understand the existence of. He can't meet her eyes as he murmurs, "I was-- trying to keep you all safe."

[lightmagic]

At least he's receptive, responding. He holds Harry and Harry wriggles, placated by the familiar touch. Lily just breathes, watching them. She feels like she's going to cry. Maybe she is. Her breath stutters, once. She's sorry she brought about that wince - it makes her take her hand back just slightly, but she doesn't move away. Just looks slightly pained.

"That's no way to keep anyone safe," she whispers, barely audible. Oh--it looks like she will be crying. Silent and with her head down, but still happening. "It's not and you know it. Logically, you do. We trust you enough to make you our Secret Keeper because you're strong and steadfast, not because we thought you'd make yourself be gone. What would we tell Harry when he gets older? How would we survive without you?"

She shakes her head and sniffles slightly, hating not being able to rein in her emotions. "We love you, Sirius. We need you. We're a unit. All five of us. When one piece is gone, the others suffer too."

Harry coos quietly and she leans down to kiss his hair. "A family. You, James, Remus, Peter, Harry, and me. You can't just... rip out a piece and expect nothing to happen."

[effingsirius]

Oh-- Oh, no. He's made her cry. He can't help that tears of his own start to threaten two well up, though he fights it.

"I couldn't-- I didn't want t'risk it, Lils. What if I'm n-not strong enough? What if it it's my fault you all get-- killed, or worse? 's easier for you all to-- replace me than it is for me to-- replace all of you."