marauderstower | Poly-Marauders Torture Hell

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Poly-Marauders Torture Hell

TIMELINE: 2 mo after Find Out Pregs. Relatively soon after getting Remus to return from being a TRASH HUSBAND. Bun In Oven about 3mo along.

Regulus finds out about the plan before he knows he's even supposed to be involved. He finds out when he overhears Bellatrix talking about it and his blood runs cold. He slips away quiet and hidden to send off a panicked owl with what information he can give without being incriminated.

S.

Do not go home tonight. B going there. Will be V. BAD. Safe elsewhere.

R.

Each emphasized word is underlined twice.

He barely gets it sent off and goes back among the others when Bellatrix slings an arm around his shoulder and asks him if he's excited to go on the mission. He forces a smile at her, but he feels like he's going to vomit. It's easy to get there though, easy to get to the flat with Bellatrix's...methods. They're left waiting for Sirius to return home and Regulus is only barely not shaking. Bellatrix is draped over an armchair like this is a social call, leg hanging over the arm of it. Regulus is standing nervously behind it and looking at the door every so often.

"You know he's not going to change his mind," said soft. They're not wearing their masks tonight.

There's a silence before Bellatrix's voice slithers out from her perch where he can't see her. Her knife smile is in his mind. "That's not the point, darling cousin."

(Regulus isn't religious, obviously, but what he does now is something very like praying.)

WARNINGS: torture, violence, Mean Things Being Said, Bellatrix Lestrange.

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This time Regulus breathes out a laugh, incredulous and fake. He shakes his head, hand moving up to rub at the back of his neck. He knew he'd come across this type of opposition, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He wants to stop feeling hollow and lonely, to not feel like he's crackling at the edges and splitting at the seams. Remus' questions hurt but he can't let things go any other way.

He's not in it to clear his name, either. Becoming one of them is the furthest thing from his mind now, especially considering how well an attempt to do the right thing has been reacted to already. He smiles and it's a grimace.

"There are obstacles that only I know how to get past. That only I can get past. I—" his voice wavers finally and he swallows, trying to ignore it and press on. "I don't need to drag anyone else into it. If I can do this on my own then it solves a lot of problems. Anyone that tries to help like that just puts themselves in unnecessary danger. I'm sure I've put you in danger too with just this, and for that I apologize."

There's a keen edge to his smile now, but it's not meant to cut Remus. "Besides, it's for the best. None of them actually want me in the Order, you know that."

"I do." His voice cracks when he says it, a plea that verges on frantic. He sucks in a ragged breath and tuns his face away, covering his mouth, but it's too late: he's begun to cry again, and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

"I want you in the Order." He drops his hands and looks at Regulus again, ignoring the tears as they fall traitorously down his cheeks, eyes begging Regulus for all of the things that he can't give voice to. He knows that he has no right to even say such a thing now, after what he's done, but it's the truth. Whether he's there or not (and he has no plans to continue on with the Order now), Remus wants Regulus there, because it's where he honestly believes that Regulus belongs. Doing good.

"You can't stand there and say we're not already in danger, every one of us. We're choosing to put our lives on the line, so it only makes sense to let the Order help. To go off on your own is foolish. It's too dangerous, Reg."

It's too much. It hurts to see him like this and he can't compartmentalize it fast enough, turning away briefly so that he can sort his thoughts. "We can't always get what we want, Remus." It's soft, and he hasn't turned back yet. Finally he does, taking a ragged breath. His eyes are blank.

"It's different, what I'm doing. You have to understand that. Only one person can go. One. And there's no coming back. Should I send someone else? Absolve myself by killing someone because I'm afraid? I can't do that. There are safeguards. I know how to pass them. It's practical and needs to be done. The Order has to get the horcrux just like the Order needs you."

That last is preempting any thought Remus might have of trying to take on the burden himself. He's not going to let him.

When he reaches out it's to wipe the tears off of Remus' cheeks, touch gentle. His hand is trembling as he does it. He really is afraid - and now he's told Remus he intends to die. It's a mistake, he's sure of it. "Don't cry. War is hell."

"Please." The tears are flowing faster now, and he can barely control his voice enough to speak above a whisper. He knows he's being ridiculous – he shouldn't be the one falling apart and Regulus shouldn't be the one staying strong for the both of them – but Regulus is saying goodbye and after everything, the thought of Regulus walking to his death alone is simply not something that Remus can handle right now.

Either he doesn't really hear what Regulus has said or he's ignoring it, because the words tumbling from his throat don't even acknowledge the idea that the Order could need him (nobody needs him not like this).

"Let me go, Reg, please. Tell me what to do and I'll go. It should be me." His eyes close as Regulus touches him. He doesn't dare move, for fear that Regulus will pull away. "I'm beyond absolution already," he whispers.

Edited 2016-11-03 06:40 (UTC)

"No," Regulus whispers, quiet and barely audible. He doesn't move away, but he doesn't move closer just yet either. He just stays like that, hand against his cheek. He shakes his head though, for emphasis. "I can't let you do that. Kreacher told me what it is. I'm not sending you to that."

He's smiling as he leans closer - he's not sure if it's genuine or not, but Remus isn't looking at him so it doesn't matter. What does matter is his hand sliding down to the side of Remus' neck, lingering there as he tips his head down to kiss him. It's barely there, something regretful and gentle. "I need you to take care of Sirius. That's what you can do for me."

There's a pause before something frantic overtakes him. He's going to die, he knows he is, and he's hurt and heartbroken and instead of pulling away he fists a hand in Remus' hair to drag his head back and kiss him again, bruising and fervent and desperate.

"I love you," he whispers, and there's a sob caught there in his throat because it feels like his heart is ripping out of his chest all over again. Remus hadn't trusted him. He should hate him, but he doesn't. "I want you to see the end of the war. That's what I want."

Edited (i made a typo...........) 2016-11-03 06:47 (UTC)

Remus doesn't dare open his eyes – hardly dares to breathe – when those fingers trail down his neck and he feels Regulus' lips against his own. He does make a quiet sound in the back of his throat, however, something small and broken and containing all the pain that's tearing him apart inside.

It's so horribly, painfully unfair. They should have so much time. They should have the rest of their lives to make mistakes and learn from them and grow and live. But they don't. And Remus has never been more convinced that Regulus is right, and this is undeniably some sort of hell that they're living in.

The second kiss comes as a complete shock, and Remus isn't strong enough to hold still any longer. Fists clutch at the front of Regulus' cloak, dragging him closer and holding him there as Remus kisses back just as fiercely, pouring all of his regret and sorrow and desperation into the hot clash of lips and tongue. He hears another miserable moan and knows it's he who's made it, but he's beyond caring at this point.

"How? How can I do that without you? I can't, Reg. I love you and I can't... Please..."

Nothing is fair. They live in a world where friends, lovers, families are torn apart by hatred and suspicion and betrayal and no one is safe. Where someone can be irreparably damned for past mistakes (or new ones).

Remus' grip on him makes him tense briefly, momentarily frightened, but it melts away and the response to the kisses draws a faint keening noise of his own out, hands moving to flatten on his shoulders to still their trembling. He stays close even when the kiss ends, breathing out shaking. "You can," he murmurs, firm. "You can and you will."

He's so tired. He presses their foreheads together a moment before letting out a low sob, giving up on keeping it all in. "I don't want to die," he whispers, "but there's no other way. There's no other way and I'm going to die hating myself for not being stronger, for not being able to keep myself from falling as far as I have."

For not being trustworthy.

Breath after shuddering breath and Remus still feels like he can't get enough oxygen. He feels faint again and he's still crying and Regulus is going to die and the last thing he ever did was accuse him of the most horrible things and it's not fair.

He can't do this. He can't. He doesn't know how to let go even though he would be the first to admit that Regulus has every right to ask whatever he pleases of him. Regulus ought to hate him, ought never have even come to find him. But he did.

And now he expects Remus to let him go, just like that.

"I won't let you walk out that door." He means it, even as he clings to the heavy fabric fisted in his hands, his clammy forehead pressed to Regulus' and Regulus' breath tickling his lips every time he speaks. "There has to be another way. I won't let you die hating yourself when I'm the one who... who..."

But he can't find the words, because there are too many of them, instead squeezing his eyes tighter as fresh tears wet his cheeks.

He should have known better. He really should have but he'd been trying to be honest and open because the lack of that got him in this place to begin with. This time when he smiles it's genuine but sad, one hand lifting to press lightly to his cheek again. "You can't stop me, Remus. If you stop me then none of this will ever end and I can't live knowing I could have resolved everything. Please don't ask that of me."

There's a lingering silence after that, heavy with meaning. He should be leaving but he's considering his options, trying to make sure Remus won't be able to follow him. He wants to say something, anything—and what comes out isn't what he'd initially intended.

"Tell me you don't really think I'm like them, Remus." It's hoarse as it passes his lips, his eyes closed so he can't see his face. "I don't care if you really mean it or not, just make me believe you think better than me of that. Please, I need to hear it."

(He hates himself a little more for being this weak.)

"Please."

He opens his eyes, finally, looking up at Regulus like his whole world is ending. Because it is. He stares into Regulus' eyes, hardly able to see clearly for the tears but needing him to see that he means every word he says.

"I don't. I don't, I swear I don't, Reg–" Remus chokes back a sob, hands finally releasing the front of Regulus' cloak to slide up his neck until he's got Regulus' face in his hands. His voice is strained with fear and distress and a hundred other emotions that threaten to consume him whole, but the words keep coming like water from a tap that can't be turned off.

"Please, Reg, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never should have said those things to you and I can't take them back or even ask for your forgiveness because what I did was unforgivable but none of it was true and I know you're different, Reg. I love you; I never stopped. You're a far better man than I am. You're good and you've done so much more than I ever could and I love you and and I– I'm so sorry, Reg..."

He should be gone. He should have left, should have gone to tell Sirius goodbye, though not tell him the extent of it - but instead he's here, clutching at the front of Remus' shirt and sobbing as he crawls into his lap. He doesn't think he believes that Remus really trusts him, but he can pretend for this. Needs to pretend for this.

He doesn't say anything for a very long time, breathing shakily. Nothing can ever be the same, but this moment will exist in perpetuity. It has to be enough.

Hopefully Remus won't notice that he has his wand in hand as he clutches at Remus' chest, or that the inaudible murmur actually means something. In fact, he tucks it away again before Remus can notice and finally smiles, just a little, even though it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Thank you," he murmurs, "and I'm sorry. For not being trustworthy enough." A breath as he lets go and stands, one hand smoothing over Remus' hair as he kisses him softly on the lips, the forehead. "And for this."

He takes a step back and if Remus tries to get up to follow him, he won't be able to. Regulus' smile now is sad and he takes in Remus' face like he never wants to forget it. "I can't let you stop me. I'm sorry. It will wear off eventually, but I need time to say goodbye to Sirius and to get to where I'm going." Something pained crosses his face, but he reins it in. "Please forgive me, but don't try to follow me. Just... Go to Dumbledore, tell him what I said. Please."

He surges forward for one more kiss. "I love you."

Remus doesn't notice a thing with Regulus so close to him, because Regulus is here and Regulus is real and he can feel the whole weight of him to prove it when he never thought he'd be allowed to feel this close to him again. He's sobbing silently against Regulus' shoulder when Regulus pulls away to kiss him, and he returns the kiss in that same desperate, needy manner, leaning forward to follow when Regulus moves because he doesn't want it to end.

He never wants it to end. Not like this.

Regulus' words catch up with him just as he's moving to rise from the chair, and amber eyes pop open to stare at Regulus with dawning horror. "Reg..!" Remus struggles, fresh panic rising in him anew when he finds that no matter how hard he struggles, he's unable to stand.

"No..!" His voice is so high that he doesn't recognize it, hitting a frenzied pitch as he fights the spell that binds him to the chair. "Regulus, no, please, you can't," he cries hoarsely, drowning out Regulus' words as he continues to squirm this way and that. Even as Regulus claims one more kiss from him (is this the way he'll remember their final kiss? struggling so futilely he couldn't even savor that last taste of his love?), he's leaning forward and pulling so hard that he hears his arms pop in complaint, voice rising to a half-incoherent fever pitch imbued with fear and anguish.

"Regulus, please, don't do this! Let me go, let me help you, I can't help Regulus, please. Please! Reglulus!"

Regulus hadn't accounted for Remus yelling, he realizes, but even now he can't bring himself to silence him. He clutches Remus' face in both hands instead, looking at him. "You can help," he says, softly, trying to break through his panic. "I need you to be able to tell Dumbledore. No one else can do it, and if you go with me you won't be able to. Please, that's all I can ask of you."

And another kiss, light, before he whispers against his mouth. "Don't think it's you. I was going to do this anyway. I need you to let me go. I do love you, I do."

He has to hurry now, glancing over his shoulder as he goes and shutting the door behind him. He has to go say goodbye to Sirius, too. He hopes he's already awake so he doesn't have to wake him. He doesn't have much time. He pauses outside the door though, wiping his face and schooling his expression calm with a faint smile. Compartmentalizing.

Then he steps inside the room to speak to his brother.

His sobs are barely differentiable from his incoherent cries now, and he throws himself forward with such force once Regulus pulls away that the heavy base of the chair tips forward dangerously. But no matter how hard he tugs and pulls and strains against the invisible force (will he have scars marring his skin from this night too?), the spell holds firm.

Remus' screams follow Regulus down the hallway, a steady litany of No! and Please! and REGULUS! that carries nearly all the way to Sirius' room.

He's unconscious, still, when Regulus comes to his room. It hasn't been so long, after all-- for all that it must have felt like a lifetime to both Regulus and Remus. He's resting more or less peacefully.

At least, he is until the door opens and the faint sound of yelling gets him stirring slightly. He's remains asleep, but it might be easier to wake him, now that there's been noise to stimulate his senses.

Regulus should have expected this. All of it. He considers casting a belated silencing spell on the door at least but it's too late anyway, so instead he just hurries up his timeline, each cry making him feel like he's being stabbed in the heart repeatedly.

And of course Sirius is still asleep; he steps close to the bed and places a gentle hand on top of his brother's, glancing to the door furtively just in case. "Wake up, gēge. I need to go, but I want to talk to you first."

He hopes he doesn't have to do much more to wake him.

He wakes up slowly; blearily, blinking up at his brother with obvious confusion.

"Dìdì?" comes the mumbled, sleepy response, "'s the matter?"

Regulus shakes his head a little, still wearing that mild smile. It hurts his face. "Nothing's wrong, gēge. I talked to Remus a bit, we've kissed and made up, emotionally speaking. It was all just a misunderstanding. He'll probably be in here later to talk to you, but I think he's tired. We all are. I've got some things I need to do, but I wanted to come here and say bye first."

It isn't lying. Technically.

"'s good," he slurs out in response to the knowledge that he and Remus have made up. He would have hated it, if they stayed at odds because of him, "'nd thanks for swinging by first. Make sure y'get yourself some rest after y'do what you have to, 'kay?"

Because of course, even from his hospital bed, he's going to fuss.

Regulus' smile falters but only for a split-second. Then he's nodding, leaning down to kiss the top of Sirius' head affectionately. "I'll get plenty of rest, I promise. You get rest too, okay? You need to focus on getting better."

He needs to go. He needs to hurry. He doesn't want to but he squeezes Sirius' hand again, one last time, before taking a step back. "I'll go and let you rest now, okay? I love you, Sirius."

It's soft but readily audible for his brother to hear. Once he finishes with his goodbye he leaves the room and looks around once he shuts the door. There are a couple Healers rushing to the door he'd closed on Remus.

"Fuck."

It's not graceful but he takes off, tearing down the corridor with his cloak fluttering behind him. It's late enough not many people are around so it's easy, but he makes sure he's out of sight and gone before they can get Remus free.

Edited ("his bother" lmao) 2016-11-04 08:09 (UTC)

He moves so quickly it's confusing. Makes Sirius wonder if maybe he's fallen asleep in between sentences. He hopes not. He doesn't want to miss a moment of having his brother really back.

Which is why he can't help the slight frown when Regulus backs away, "'ll right. Come back soon, okay? I love you, too."

And then his brother is gone, and Sirius is still trying to process the speediness of it all.

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Poly-Marauders Torture Hell

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