regulus arcturus black. (
rab) wrote in
marauderstower2016-10-15 12:31 pm
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Poly-Marauders Torture Hell
TIMELINE: 2 mo after Find Out Pregs. Relatively soon after getting Remus to return from being a TRASH HUSBAND. Bun In Oven about 3mo along.
Regulus finds out about the plan before he knows he's even supposed to be involved. He finds out when he overhears Bellatrix talking about it and his blood runs cold. He slips away quiet and hidden to send off a panicked owl with what information he can give without being incriminated.
S.
Do not go home tonight. B going there. Will be V. BAD. Safe elsewhere.
R.
Each emphasized word is underlined twice.
He barely gets it sent off and goes back among the others when Bellatrix slings an arm around his shoulder and asks him if he's excited to go on the mission. He forces a smile at her, but he feels like he's going to vomit. It's easy to get there though, easy to get to the flat with Bellatrix's...methods. They're left waiting for Sirius to return home and Regulus is only barely not shaking. Bellatrix is draped over an armchair like this is a social call, leg hanging over the arm of it. Regulus is standing nervously behind it and looking at the door every so often.
"You know he's not going to change his mind," said soft. They're not wearing their masks tonight.
There's a silence before Bellatrix's voice slithers out from her perch where he can't see her. Her knife smile is in his mind. "That's not the point, darling cousin."
(Regulus isn't religious, obviously, but what he does now is something very like praying.)
WARNINGS: torture, violence, Mean Things Being Said, Bellatrix Lestrange.
Regulus finds out about the plan before he knows he's even supposed to be involved. He finds out when he overhears Bellatrix talking about it and his blood runs cold. He slips away quiet and hidden to send off a panicked owl with what information he can give without being incriminated.
S.
Do not go home tonight. B going there. Will be V. BAD. Safe elsewhere.
R.
Each emphasized word is underlined twice.
He barely gets it sent off and goes back among the others when Bellatrix slings an arm around his shoulder and asks him if he's excited to go on the mission. He forces a smile at her, but he feels like he's going to vomit. It's easy to get there though, easy to get to the flat with Bellatrix's...methods. They're left waiting for Sirius to return home and Regulus is only barely not shaking. Bellatrix is draped over an armchair like this is a social call, leg hanging over the arm of it. Regulus is standing nervously behind it and looking at the door every so often.
"You know he's not going to change his mind," said soft. They're not wearing their masks tonight.
There's a silence before Bellatrix's voice slithers out from her perch where he can't see her. Her knife smile is in his mind. "That's not the point, darling cousin."
(Regulus isn't religious, obviously, but what he does now is something very like praying.)
WARNINGS: torture, violence, Mean Things Being Said, Bellatrix Lestrange.
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He breaks down again the moment he enters the empty hospital room, collapsing into a chair where he allows the events of the past twenty-four hours to hit him full force, shoulders shaking with the intensity of his sobs.
He'd ducked away not because he wanted to be alone, but because he didn't want Sirius or Regulus to see him in their path should either of them have cause to come this way. He's done enough for one lifetime – to the both of them – and the best thing (the only thing) that he can do for either of them now is to stay out of their way and let them get on with their lives.
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It's not exactly a lie so it falls easily from his mouth. When the Healer returns without Remus he grimaces slightly, unsure if he's annoyed or even more hurt. It's stupid. He refuses to step away from his brother so she has to work around him, keeping a slight distance because he exudes an aura of don't touch me so strong it's almost palpable.
His thumb rubs at the back of Sirius' hand the entire time, waiting for her to clear him. She's glad he managed to wake up, in any case.
Soon enough he'll stalk off to find Remus. Until then, he'll be right here.
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He's still fighting to stay awake when the Healer finally comes in, and there's a flicker in his expression when he notes her lack of accompaniment. She fusses over him, frowning over what the diagnostic charms are telling her and maneuver her way around the stubbornly still Regulus.
Soon enough she's got him downing a painkilling potion so that she can lift the numbing spell off of him. She's checking in to see how badly his head injury is making him feel. She's explaining that head injuries are delicate things and they try to avoid doing too much spellwork for fear of getting something wrong.
"We can take the edge off the symptoms, perhaps," she tells him, "But fully making them go away-- It's too risky. We already weren't entirely certain you'd regain proper consciousness and we don't want to cause that to be a threat again."
It makes sense, really. It's still got Sirius grumbling a little; irritated at having to stay in bed a little longer when he's clearly needed by his best friend and brother at least, if not the rest of the war.
"The more you rest now, the faster we'll be able to release you," the Healer chides back in response, "Really, counterintuitive though it may be, you ought to sleep more. The fact you managed to be awake for-- more than a minute is a good sign that you're out of the woods when it comes to going completely comatose. And you really musn't try to get out of bed just yet. The spell says you were clearly in a lot of distress while trying."
That earns a bitter snort out of Sirius as he hums his agreement. Satisfied that he's at least heard the words if not quite planned on listening to them, the Healer makes a few notes before bidding them both farewell.
Sirius slumps a little more back into the pillow, when she goes, the exhaustion he was trying to hide clearly visible now, as his concern for his brother. This time when Sirius squeezes his hand, it's a lot weaker. The flutter of his eyelids indicates he really ought to be heading back into sleep.
"...He d-didn't know," he murmurs again, softer now, "'nd everyone's on edge nowadays. Please don't-- hate each other 'cause of me. Or... blame y'rselves."
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Regulus listens carefully to everything the Healer has to say, taking it in and cataloging it for later. It's good to know, and once she leaves Regulus turns his attention fully back to his brother, nodding and holding onto his hand. "I know," he lies, "I know now that we've just made mistakes. I'll go talk to him, things will be all right." He's repeating himself purposefully to sink the thought into Sirius' mind, to ease him.
"I love you," he murmurs, and waits for him to drop off to sleep. It's only then that he moves, pressing the back of Sirius' hand to his own forehead. These affections they learned themselves, bucking tradition and their parents. It's all right. They've had each other, at least. "I'm not like them," he whispers when he's sure Sirius won't wake, "I'm not."
Telling himself so he can be sure. Finally he lets go, making sure his brother is settled in and comfortable before he leaves the room. It takes him ages to find Remus, stalking from room to room and up and down the hall, searching for any sign of him. He's good at this though, well-practiced. Finally he's at the room Remus is in, opening the door and stepping inside before closing it behind him, standing there to block the way out.
"Remus." He hates himself and is afraid of Remus even now, but he has to do this. Can't let it go on like this. His voice is firm but not cold, somehow.
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It's with great effort that Remus forces himself to look up, and the gaze that he turns on Regulus is despondent. Broken. Like a shell that the real Remus had left behind long ago.
"How is he?" His voice is flat when he speaks, and he nearly winces at the sound of it. There's another question there, too, but he doesn't dare ask it, simply staring at Regulus – staring through him, more like – dead eyed and braced for whatever punishment comes his way.
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"Resting," he allows, quiet. "He's going to be all right." He moves closer in a way that's reminiscent of approaching a cornered animal and stops in front of him. He still feels hollow. "Straighten up," isn't a request. He can't stand to see Remus looking so pathetic even now. "Don't act like this." Somehow, it's not unkind.
He breathes in and out slow and it's shaking, belying his attempt at looking stronger than he feels. "I need you to do something for me." He wants things to go back to the way they were before. Before things had gone wrong. "A couple of things, in fact." His hand moves and it's not threatening, but his arm falls back to his side before he can touch Remus. It's too raw.
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He knows that what he's seeing now is the the pureblood Slytherin as Regulus had described – the heir who was raised to exude an impeccable image and cater to the expectations of his station. It's there in the artful choice of what he shows and what he tries to conceal, in the very air that manifests around him and in the attitude that he affects with such precision.
Remus can see the spots where Regulus has frayed around the edges, however; he can see where the actual emotion is bleeding through, belying his calm and commanding exterior. He can see where the pureblood prince ends and where Regulus Black begins, and it's devastating to witness how resolutely Regulus is trying to keep the cracks from showing.
He's trying to be strong for the both of them.
And it makes Remus feel even worse.
He doesn't know what he can do (nothing, there's nothing he can do), but as Regulus approaches, he does make an attempt to sit up a little straighter. His breath catches in his throat when it looks like Regulus is about to touch him, his eyes betraying the tiny flicker of hope that the gesture lights within him before its so quickly snuffed out again by Regulus' retreat. He'd known it would be impossible for them to go back to the way they were, but to have that fact so blatantly paraded in front of him still hurts like nothing he's ever experienced.
"What can I do?" he asks, and there are so many levels of desperation packed into that question that it's almost laughable. Of course there's nothing he can do, not really. No way to salvage the trust that he's broken or the relationship that he's thrown to the dogs. Still, if Regulus is here – if he's come to him and is asking for help – then Remus can't refuse him. It's more than he would have expected, after all. More than he could have ever asked for.
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"As for the rest... I have something I need to do and I need you to take a message to Dumbledore about it." He knows already what his mission is going to end in: solving many of their problems in one fell swoop. It has to be enough. He manages a smile, though it's clearly fake. "My elf Kreacher will be delivering something to him but I don't know if he'll be able to articulate what's needed when the time comes." The heaviness of what he's doing feels suffocating. "I... Won't be able to give him the message myself. I need you to go to him personally. Tell him in person, do not tell another soul. No one. Not even Sirius."
It's a startling show of trust after everything that's happened, and another breath shakes as he exhales it. "Just... Tell Dumbledore it's a horcrux. He has a horcrux. He'll know what it means." The emphasized he isn't referring to Dumbledore. "I... It's important that he knows. There's no..." Finally it's like his facade is breaking, crumbling under the weight of it. "There's no way to kill him. He can't die, Remus. He can't die until it's gone."
When he speaks again it's bitter. "I'm the only one that's realized. If I wasn't there no one would know and people would keep throwing themselves away."
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Which means that Regulus can clear his name with this horcrux lead, and never have to be regarded with suspicion again. He can be one of them.
The way that Regulus is talking alarms him though, several red flags popping up in his mind all at once. Brows drawing together, Remus finds himself moving to stand, but thinks better of it and remains where he is, leaning forward with a look of trepidation in his eyes.
"Why can't you give him the message yourself? Why come to me instead of going straight to Dumbledore? Surely he's the one best equipped to help figure out what to do from here." Remus can see how the weight of the burden is wearing on Regulus, and it's all he can do not to close the few feet between them and take him in is arms, to offer his comfort and support. Like he always would have done. Before. "If you're the only one who's realized, then surely you should go to the Order. Let them protect you. Let us help you."
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He's not in it to clear his name, either. Becoming one of them is the furthest thing from his mind now, especially considering how well an attempt to do the right thing has been reacted to already. He smiles and it's a grimace.
"There are obstacles that only I know how to get past. That only I can get past. I—" his voice wavers finally and he swallows, trying to ignore it and press on. "I don't need to drag anyone else into it. If I can do this on my own then it solves a lot of problems. Anyone that tries to help like that just puts themselves in unnecessary danger. I'm sure I've put you in danger too with just this, and for that I apologize."
There's a keen edge to his smile now, but it's not meant to cut Remus. "Besides, it's for the best. None of them actually want me in the Order, you know that."
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"I want you in the Order." He drops his hands and looks at Regulus again, ignoring the tears as they fall traitorously down his cheeks, eyes begging Regulus for all of the things that he can't give voice to. He knows that he has no right to even say such a thing now, after what he's done, but it's the truth. Whether he's there or not (and he has no plans to continue on with the Order now), Remus wants Regulus there, because it's where he honestly believes that Regulus belongs. Doing good.
"You can't stand there and say we're not already in danger, every one of us. We're choosing to put our lives on the line, so it only makes sense to let the Order help. To go off on your own is foolish. It's too dangerous, Reg."
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"It's different, what I'm doing. You have to understand that. Only one person can go. One. And there's no coming back. Should I send someone else? Absolve myself by killing someone because I'm afraid? I can't do that. There are safeguards. I know how to pass them. It's practical and needs to be done. The Order has to get the horcrux just like the Order needs you."
That last is preempting any thought Remus might have of trying to take on the burden himself. He's not going to let him.
When he reaches out it's to wipe the tears off of Remus' cheeks, touch gentle. His hand is trembling as he does it. He really is afraid - and now he's told Remus he intends to die. It's a mistake, he's sure of it. "Don't cry. War is hell."
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Either he doesn't really hear what Regulus has said or he's ignoring it, because the words tumbling from his throat don't even acknowledge the idea that the Order could need him (nobody needs him not like this).
"Let me go, Reg, please. Tell me what to do and I'll go. It should be me." His eyes close as Regulus touches him. He doesn't dare move, for fear that Regulus will pull away. "I'm beyond absolution already," he whispers.
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He's smiling as he leans closer - he's not sure if it's genuine or not, but Remus isn't looking at him so it doesn't matter. What does matter is his hand sliding down to the side of Remus' neck, lingering there as he tips his head down to kiss him. It's barely there, something regretful and gentle. "I need you to take care of Sirius. That's what you can do for me."
There's a pause before something frantic overtakes him. He's going to die, he knows he is, and he's hurt and heartbroken and instead of pulling away he fists a hand in Remus' hair to drag his head back and kiss him again, bruising and fervent and desperate.
"I love you," he whispers, and there's a sob caught there in his throat because it feels like his heart is ripping out of his chest all over again. Remus hadn't trusted him. He should hate him, but he doesn't. "I want you to see the end of the war. That's what I want."
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It's so horribly, painfully unfair. They should have so much time. They should have the rest of their lives to make mistakes and learn from them and grow and live. But they don't. And Remus has never been more convinced that Regulus is right, and this is undeniably some sort of hell that they're living in.
The second kiss comes as a complete shock, and Remus isn't strong enough to hold still any longer. Fists clutch at the front of Regulus' cloak, dragging him closer and holding him there as Remus kisses back just as fiercely, pouring all of his regret and sorrow and desperation into the hot clash of lips and tongue. He hears another miserable moan and knows it's he who's made it, but he's beyond caring at this point.
"How? How can I do that without you? I can't, Reg. I love you and I can't... Please..."
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Remus' grip on him makes him tense briefly, momentarily frightened, but it melts away and the response to the kisses draws a faint keening noise of his own out, hands moving to flatten on his shoulders to still their trembling. He stays close even when the kiss ends, breathing out shaking. "You can," he murmurs, firm. "You can and you will."
He's so tired. He presses their foreheads together a moment before letting out a low sob, giving up on keeping it all in. "I don't want to die," he whispers, "but there's no other way. There's no other way and I'm going to die hating myself for not being stronger, for not being able to keep myself from falling as far as I have."
For not being trustworthy.
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He can't do this. He can't. He doesn't know how to let go even though he would be the first to admit that Regulus has every right to ask whatever he pleases of him. Regulus ought to hate him, ought never have even come to find him. But he did.
And now he expects Remus to let him go, just like that.
"I won't let you walk out that door." He means it, even as he clings to the heavy fabric fisted in his hands, his clammy forehead pressed to Regulus' and Regulus' breath tickling his lips every time he speaks. "There has to be another way. I won't let you die hating yourself when I'm the one who... who..."
But he can't find the words, because there are too many of them, instead squeezing his eyes tighter as fresh tears wet his cheeks.
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There's a lingering silence after that, heavy with meaning. He should be leaving but he's considering his options, trying to make sure Remus won't be able to follow him. He wants to say something, anything—and what comes out isn't what he'd initially intended.
"Tell me you don't really think I'm like them, Remus." It's hoarse as it passes his lips, his eyes closed so he can't see his face. "I don't care if you really mean it or not, just make me believe you think better than me of that. Please, I need to hear it."
(He hates himself a little more for being this weak.)
"Please."
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"I don't. I don't, I swear I don't, Reg–" Remus chokes back a sob, hands finally releasing the front of Regulus' cloak to slide up his neck until he's got Regulus' face in his hands. His voice is strained with fear and distress and a hundred other emotions that threaten to consume him whole, but the words keep coming like water from a tap that can't be turned off.
"Please, Reg, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never should have said those things to you and I can't take them back or even ask for your forgiveness because what I did was unforgivable but none of it was true and I know you're different, Reg. I love you; I never stopped. You're a far better man than I am. You're good and you've done so much more than I ever could and I love you and and I– I'm so sorry, Reg..."
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He doesn't say anything for a very long time, breathing shakily. Nothing can ever be the same, but this moment will exist in perpetuity. It has to be enough.
Hopefully Remus won't notice that he has his wand in hand as he clutches at Remus' chest, or that the inaudible murmur actually means something. In fact, he tucks it away again before Remus can notice and finally smiles, just a little, even though it doesn't reach his eyes.
"Thank you," he murmurs, "and I'm sorry. For not being trustworthy enough." A breath as he lets go and stands, one hand smoothing over Remus' hair as he kisses him softly on the lips, the forehead. "And for this."
He takes a step back and if Remus tries to get up to follow him, he won't be able to. Regulus' smile now is sad and he takes in Remus' face like he never wants to forget it. "I can't let you stop me. I'm sorry. It will wear off eventually, but I need time to say goodbye to Sirius and to get to where I'm going." Something pained crosses his face, but he reins it in. "Please forgive me, but don't try to follow me. Just... Go to Dumbledore, tell him what I said. Please."
He surges forward for one more kiss. "I love you."
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He never wants it to end. Not like this.
Regulus' words catch up with him just as he's moving to rise from the chair, and amber eyes pop open to stare at Regulus with dawning horror. "Reg..!" Remus struggles, fresh panic rising in him anew when he finds that no matter how hard he struggles, he's unable to stand.
"No..!" His voice is so high that he doesn't recognize it, hitting a frenzied pitch as he fights the spell that binds him to the chair. "Regulus, no, please, you can't," he cries hoarsely, drowning out Regulus' words as he continues to squirm this way and that. Even as Regulus claims one more kiss from him (is this the way he'll remember their final kiss? struggling so futilely he couldn't even savor that last taste of his love?), he's leaning forward and pulling so hard that he hears his arms pop in complaint, voice rising to a half-incoherent fever pitch imbued with fear and anguish.
"Regulus, please, don't do this! Let me go, let me help you, I can't help Regulus, please. Please! Reglulus!"
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And another kiss, light, before he whispers against his mouth. "Don't think it's you. I was going to do this anyway. I need you to let me go. I do love you, I do."
He has to hurry now, glancing over his shoulder as he goes and shutting the door behind him. He has to go say goodbye to Sirius, too. He hopes he's already awake so he doesn't have to wake him. He doesn't have much time. He pauses outside the door though, wiping his face and schooling his expression calm with a faint smile. Compartmentalizing.
Then he steps inside the room to speak to his brother.
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Remus' screams follow Regulus down the hallway, a steady litany of No! and Please! and REGULUS! that carries nearly all the way to Sirius' room.
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At least, he is until the door opens and the faint sound of yelling gets him stirring slightly. He's remains asleep, but it might be easier to wake him, now that there's been noise to stimulate his senses.
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And of course Sirius is still asleep; he steps close to the bed and places a gentle hand on top of his brother's, glancing to the door furtively just in case. "Wake up, gēge. I need to go, but I want to talk to you first."
He hopes he doesn't have to do much more to wake him.
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