marauderstower | Poly-Marauders Torture Hell

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Poly-Marauders Torture Hell

TIMELINE: 2 mo after Find Out Pregs. Relatively soon after getting Remus to return from being a TRASH HUSBAND. Bun In Oven about 3mo along.

Regulus finds out about the plan before he knows he's even supposed to be involved. He finds out when he overhears Bellatrix talking about it and his blood runs cold. He slips away quiet and hidden to send off a panicked owl with what information he can give without being incriminated.

S.

Do not go home tonight. B going there. Will be V. BAD. Safe elsewhere.

R.

Each emphasized word is underlined twice.

He barely gets it sent off and goes back among the others when Bellatrix slings an arm around his shoulder and asks him if he's excited to go on the mission. He forces a smile at her, but he feels like he's going to vomit. It's easy to get there though, easy to get to the flat with Bellatrix's...methods. They're left waiting for Sirius to return home and Regulus is only barely not shaking. Bellatrix is draped over an armchair like this is a social call, leg hanging over the arm of it. Regulus is standing nervously behind it and looking at the door every so often.

"You know he's not going to change his mind," said soft. They're not wearing their masks tonight.

There's a silence before Bellatrix's voice slithers out from her perch where he can't see her. Her knife smile is in his mind. "That's not the point, darling cousin."

(Regulus isn't religious, obviously, but what he does now is something very like praying.)

WARNINGS: torture, violence, Mean Things Being Said, Bellatrix Lestrange.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Remus still has the presence of mind to locate a Healer once he's left, wiping his eyes before motioning the green-clad witch down the hall towards Sirius' room. After that, he moves blindly, staggering away past rows of empty chairs until he spies a door opening onto a darkened room.

He breaks down again the moment he enters the empty hospital room, collapsing into a chair where he allows the events of the past twenty-four hours to hit him full force, shoulders shaking with the intensity of his sobs.

He'd ducked away not because he wanted to be alone, but because he didn't want Sirius or Regulus to see him in their path should either of them have cause to come this way. He's done enough for one lifetime – to the both of them – and the best thing (the only thing) that he can do for either of them now is to stay out of their way and let them get on with their lives.

Regulus holds onto Sirius' hand like it's a lifeline, his other moving to smooth over Sirius' hair again before kissing his forehead. "I'm going to take care of everything, okay? It'll be all right."

It's not exactly a lie so it falls easily from his mouth. When the Healer returns without Remus he grimaces slightly, unsure if he's annoyed or even more hurt. It's stupid. He refuses to step away from his brother so she has to work around him, keeping a slight distance because he exudes an aura of don't touch me so strong it's almost palpable.

His thumb rubs at the back of Sirius' hand the entire time, waiting for her to clear him. She's glad he managed to wake up, in any case.

Soon enough he'll stalk off to find Remus. Until then, he'll be right here.

"'s long as-- y're careful," he mumbles, fumblingly managing to squeeze his brother's hand again. He may be concussed and on his way out of consciousness again, but he does still know his brother-- even if he's not quite catching on to the intricacies of exactly how distressed Regulus is.

He's still fighting to stay awake when the Healer finally comes in, and there's a flicker in his expression when he notes her lack of accompaniment. She fusses over him, frowning over what the diagnostic charms are telling her and maneuver her way around the stubbornly still Regulus.

Soon enough she's got him downing a painkilling potion so that she can lift the numbing spell off of him. She's checking in to see how badly his head injury is making him feel. She's explaining that head injuries are delicate things and they try to avoid doing too much spellwork for fear of getting something wrong.

"We can take the edge off the symptoms, perhaps," she tells him, "But fully making them go away-- It's too risky. We already weren't entirely certain you'd regain proper consciousness and we don't want to cause that to be a threat again."

It makes sense, really. It's still got Sirius grumbling a little; irritated at having to stay in bed a little longer when he's clearly needed by his best friend and brother at least, if not the rest of the war.

"The more you rest now, the faster we'll be able to release you," the Healer chides back in response, "Really, counterintuitive though it may be, you ought to sleep more. The fact you managed to be awake for-- more than a minute is a good sign that you're out of the woods when it comes to going completely comatose. And you really musn't try to get out of bed just yet. The spell says you were clearly in a lot of distress while trying."

That earns a bitter snort out of Sirius as he hums his agreement. Satisfied that he's at least heard the words if not quite planned on listening to them, the Healer makes a few notes before bidding them both farewell.

Sirius slumps a little more back into the pillow, when she goes, the exhaustion he was trying to hide clearly visible now, as his concern for his brother. This time when Sirius squeezes his hand, it's a lot weaker. The flutter of his eyelids indicates he really ought to be heading back into sleep.

"...He d-didn't know," he murmurs again, softer now, "'nd everyone's on edge nowadays. Please don't-- hate each other 'cause of me. Or... blame y'rselves."

"Always careful, you know me. Quick and quiet and careful." Another lie falling smoothly from his mouth. He wonders how much his sins have compounded.

Regulus listens carefully to everything the Healer has to say, taking it in and cataloging it for later. It's good to know, and once she leaves Regulus turns his attention fully back to his brother, nodding and holding onto his hand. "I know," he lies, "I know now that we've just made mistakes. I'll go talk to him, things will be all right." He's repeating himself purposefully to sink the thought into Sirius' mind, to ease him.

"I love you," he murmurs, and waits for him to drop off to sleep. It's only then that he moves, pressing the back of Sirius' hand to his own forehead. These affections they learned themselves, bucking tradition and their parents. It's all right. They've had each other, at least. "I'm not like them," he whispers when he's sure Sirius won't wake, "I'm not."

Telling himself so he can be sure. Finally he lets go, making sure his brother is settled in and comfortable before he leaves the room. It takes him ages to find Remus, stalking from room to room and up and down the hall, searching for any sign of him. He's good at this though, well-practiced. Finally he's at the room Remus is in, opening the door and stepping inside before closing it behind him, standing there to block the way out.

"Remus." He hates himself and is afraid of Remus even now, but he has to do this. Can't let it go on like this. His voice is firm but not cold, somehow.

The worst of his uncontrollable sobs have subsided by the time Regulus finds him, still hunched over on the chair, his hair a wreck from pulling at it during his breakdown and his face pale and blotchy. He hastily wipes his eyes when Regulus enters the room, sucking in a shuddering breath and trying to collect himself as best he can. He had hoped perhaps that they would just forget about him or leave him to his shame and misery, but apparently luck is not on his side tonight.

It's with great effort that Remus forces himself to look up, and the gaze that he turns on Regulus is despondent. Broken. Like a shell that the real Remus had left behind long ago.

"How is he?" His voice is flat when he speaks, and he nearly winces at the sound of it. There's another question there, too, but he doesn't dare ask it, simply staring at Regulus – staring through him, more like – dead eyed and braced for whatever punishment comes his way.

In contrast to Remus' state, Regulus is resolute now. He's compartmentalized so much that he doesn't know if he even remembers how to have an emotion. It's only been a matter of parts of an hour. Less than half of one, he imagines. It's all right. He can do this. Maybe. He looks at Remus and something flickers across his expression - it's not compassion but it's some kind of quiet thing he's not quite sure how to deal with.

"Resting," he allows, quiet. "He's going to be all right." He moves closer in a way that's reminiscent of approaching a cornered animal and stops in front of him. He still feels hollow. "Straighten up," isn't a request. He can't stand to see Remus looking so pathetic even now. "Don't act like this." Somehow, it's not unkind.

He breathes in and out slow and it's shaking, belying his attempt at looking stronger than he feels. "I need you to do something for me." He wants things to go back to the way they were before. Before things had gone wrong. "A couple of things, in fact." His hand moves and it's not threatening, but his arm falls back to his side before he can touch Remus. It's too raw.

Seeing Regulus like this is... disconcerting.

He knows that what he's seeing now is the the pureblood Slytherin as Regulus had described – the heir who was raised to exude an impeccable image and cater to the expectations of his station. It's there in the artful choice of what he shows and what he tries to conceal, in the very air that manifests around him and in the attitude that he affects with such precision.

Remus can see the spots where Regulus has frayed around the edges, however; he can see where the actual emotion is bleeding through, belying his calm and commanding exterior. He can see where the pureblood prince ends and where Regulus Black begins, and it's devastating to witness how resolutely Regulus is trying to keep the cracks from showing.

He's trying to be strong for the both of them.

And it makes Remus feel even worse.

He doesn't know what he can do (nothing, there's nothing he can do), but as Regulus approaches, he does make an attempt to sit up a little straighter. His breath catches in his throat when it looks like Regulus is about to touch him, his eyes betraying the tiny flicker of hope that the gesture lights within him before its so quickly snuffed out again by Regulus' retreat. He'd known it would be impossible for them to go back to the way they were, but to have that fact so blatantly paraded in front of him still hurts like nothing he's ever experienced.

"What can I do?" he asks, and there are so many levels of desperation packed into that question that it's almost laughable. Of course there's nothing he can do, not really. No way to salvage the trust that he's broken or the relationship that he's thrown to the dogs. Still, if Regulus is here – if he's come to him and is asking for help – then Remus can't refuse him. It's more than he would have expected, after all. More than he could have ever asked for.

"First, I need you to take care of Sirius. He doesn't know everything that happened and he doesn't need to; what he needs is a united front. You know how he is." Emotional, reckless. Regulus has never actually seen Remus like this and it breaks his heart almost more than the way Remus had treated him does. Almost. He can't allow himself the luxury of feeling right now, even if the truth is showing through in desperate cracks like the hurt that flashes in his eyes. Now he wants to run, to just leave and lick his wounds alone. Maybe take care of these emotions forever. He doesn't dwell on that thought, pushes it aside because he can't afford that either.

"As for the rest... I have something I need to do and I need you to take a message to Dumbledore about it." He knows already what his mission is going to end in: solving many of their problems in one fell swoop. It has to be enough. He manages a smile, though it's clearly fake. "My elf Kreacher will be delivering something to him but I don't know if he'll be able to articulate what's needed when the time comes." The heaviness of what he's doing feels suffocating. "I... Won't be able to give him the message myself. I need you to go to him personally. Tell him in person, do not tell another soul. No one. Not even Sirius."

It's a startling show of trust after everything that's happened, and another breath shakes as he exhales it. "Just... Tell Dumbledore it's a horcrux. He has a horcrux. He'll know what it means." The emphasized he isn't referring to Dumbledore. "I... It's important that he knows. There's no..." Finally it's like his facade is breaking, crumbling under the weight of it. "There's no way to kill him. He can't die, Remus. He can't die until it's gone."

When he speaks again it's bitter. "I'm the only one that's realized. If I wasn't there no one would know and people would keep throwing themselves away."

It's a lot to take in, and Remus needs several moments to process all of the information that he's just been given. The magnitude of what Regulus has just told him – both the secret itself and the fact that Regulus has come to him with it – leaves him feeling floored. This information could be the break they need, could turn the tide of the entire war, if they act wisely. And if they act fast. The fact that the information is coming from one of Voldemort's inner circle carries its own heavy implications, the first and foremost being that Regulus has just made himself a traitor to the Dark Lord and defected to their side.

Which means that Regulus can clear his name with this horcrux lead, and never have to be regarded with suspicion again. He can be one of them.

The way that Regulus is talking alarms him though, several red flags popping up in his mind all at once. Brows drawing together, Remus finds himself moving to stand, but thinks better of it and remains where he is, leaning forward with a look of trepidation in his eyes.

"Why can't you give him the message yourself? Why come to me instead of going straight to Dumbledore? Surely he's the one best equipped to help figure out what to do from here." Remus can see how the weight of the burden is wearing on Regulus, and it's all he can do not to close the few feet between them and take him in is arms, to offer his comfort and support. Like he always would have done. Before. "If you're the only one who's realized, then surely you should go to the Order. Let them protect you. Let us help you."

This time Regulus breathes out a laugh, incredulous and fake. He shakes his head, hand moving up to rub at the back of his neck. He knew he'd come across this type of opposition, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He wants to stop feeling hollow and lonely, to not feel like he's crackling at the edges and splitting at the seams. Remus' questions hurt but he can't let things go any other way.

He's not in it to clear his name, either. Becoming one of them is the furthest thing from his mind now, especially considering how well an attempt to do the right thing has been reacted to already. He smiles and it's a grimace.

"There are obstacles that only I know how to get past. That only I can get past. I—" his voice wavers finally and he swallows, trying to ignore it and press on. "I don't need to drag anyone else into it. If I can do this on my own then it solves a lot of problems. Anyone that tries to help like that just puts themselves in unnecessary danger. I'm sure I've put you in danger too with just this, and for that I apologize."

There's a keen edge to his smile now, but it's not meant to cut Remus. "Besides, it's for the best. None of them actually want me in the Order, you know that."

"I do." His voice cracks when he says it, a plea that verges on frantic. He sucks in a ragged breath and tuns his face away, covering his mouth, but it's too late: he's begun to cry again, and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

"I want you in the Order." He drops his hands and looks at Regulus again, ignoring the tears as they fall traitorously down his cheeks, eyes begging Regulus for all of the things that he can't give voice to. He knows that he has no right to even say such a thing now, after what he's done, but it's the truth. Whether he's there or not (and he has no plans to continue on with the Order now), Remus wants Regulus there, because it's where he honestly believes that Regulus belongs. Doing good.

"You can't stand there and say we're not already in danger, every one of us. We're choosing to put our lives on the line, so it only makes sense to let the Order help. To go off on your own is foolish. It's too dangerous, Reg."

It's too much. It hurts to see him like this and he can't compartmentalize it fast enough, turning away briefly so that he can sort his thoughts. "We can't always get what we want, Remus." It's soft, and he hasn't turned back yet. Finally he does, taking a ragged breath. His eyes are blank.

"It's different, what I'm doing. You have to understand that. Only one person can go. One. And there's no coming back. Should I send someone else? Absolve myself by killing someone because I'm afraid? I can't do that. There are safeguards. I know how to pass them. It's practical and needs to be done. The Order has to get the horcrux just like the Order needs you."

That last is preempting any thought Remus might have of trying to take on the burden himself. He's not going to let him.

When he reaches out it's to wipe the tears off of Remus' cheeks, touch gentle. His hand is trembling as he does it. He really is afraid - and now he's told Remus he intends to die. It's a mistake, he's sure of it. "Don't cry. War is hell."

"Please." The tears are flowing faster now, and he can barely control his voice enough to speak above a whisper. He knows he's being ridiculous – he shouldn't be the one falling apart and Regulus shouldn't be the one staying strong for the both of them – but Regulus is saying goodbye and after everything, the thought of Regulus walking to his death alone is simply not something that Remus can handle right now.

Either he doesn't really hear what Regulus has said or he's ignoring it, because the words tumbling from his throat don't even acknowledge the idea that the Order could need him (nobody needs him not like this).

"Let me go, Reg, please. Tell me what to do and I'll go. It should be me." His eyes close as Regulus touches him. He doesn't dare move, for fear that Regulus will pull away. "I'm beyond absolution already," he whispers.

Edited 2016-11-03 06:40 (UTC)

"No," Regulus whispers, quiet and barely audible. He doesn't move away, but he doesn't move closer just yet either. He just stays like that, hand against his cheek. He shakes his head though, for emphasis. "I can't let you do that. Kreacher told me what it is. I'm not sending you to that."

He's smiling as he leans closer - he's not sure if it's genuine or not, but Remus isn't looking at him so it doesn't matter. What does matter is his hand sliding down to the side of Remus' neck, lingering there as he tips his head down to kiss him. It's barely there, something regretful and gentle. "I need you to take care of Sirius. That's what you can do for me."

There's a pause before something frantic overtakes him. He's going to die, he knows he is, and he's hurt and heartbroken and instead of pulling away he fists a hand in Remus' hair to drag his head back and kiss him again, bruising and fervent and desperate.

"I love you," he whispers, and there's a sob caught there in his throat because it feels like his heart is ripping out of his chest all over again. Remus hadn't trusted him. He should hate him, but he doesn't. "I want you to see the end of the war. That's what I want."

Edited (i made a typo...........) 2016-11-03 06:47 (UTC)

Remus doesn't dare open his eyes – hardly dares to breathe – when those fingers trail down his neck and he feels Regulus' lips against his own. He does make a quiet sound in the back of his throat, however, something small and broken and containing all the pain that's tearing him apart inside.

It's so horribly, painfully unfair. They should have so much time. They should have the rest of their lives to make mistakes and learn from them and grow and live. But they don't. And Remus has never been more convinced that Regulus is right, and this is undeniably some sort of hell that they're living in.

The second kiss comes as a complete shock, and Remus isn't strong enough to hold still any longer. Fists clutch at the front of Regulus' cloak, dragging him closer and holding him there as Remus kisses back just as fiercely, pouring all of his regret and sorrow and desperation into the hot clash of lips and tongue. He hears another miserable moan and knows it's he who's made it, but he's beyond caring at this point.

"How? How can I do that without you? I can't, Reg. I love you and I can't... Please..."

Nothing is fair. They live in a world where friends, lovers, families are torn apart by hatred and suspicion and betrayal and no one is safe. Where someone can be irreparably damned for past mistakes (or new ones).

Remus' grip on him makes him tense briefly, momentarily frightened, but it melts away and the response to the kisses draws a faint keening noise of his own out, hands moving to flatten on his shoulders to still their trembling. He stays close even when the kiss ends, breathing out shaking. "You can," he murmurs, firm. "You can and you will."

He's so tired. He presses their foreheads together a moment before letting out a low sob, giving up on keeping it all in. "I don't want to die," he whispers, "but there's no other way. There's no other way and I'm going to die hating myself for not being stronger, for not being able to keep myself from falling as far as I have."

For not being trustworthy.

Breath after shuddering breath and Remus still feels like he can't get enough oxygen. He feels faint again and he's still crying and Regulus is going to die and the last thing he ever did was accuse him of the most horrible things and it's not fair.

He can't do this. He can't. He doesn't know how to let go even though he would be the first to admit that Regulus has every right to ask whatever he pleases of him. Regulus ought to hate him, ought never have even come to find him. But he did.

And now he expects Remus to let him go, just like that.

"I won't let you walk out that door." He means it, even as he clings to the heavy fabric fisted in his hands, his clammy forehead pressed to Regulus' and Regulus' breath tickling his lips every time he speaks. "There has to be another way. I won't let you die hating yourself when I'm the one who... who..."

But he can't find the words, because there are too many of them, instead squeezing his eyes tighter as fresh tears wet his cheeks.

He should have known better. He really should have but he'd been trying to be honest and open because the lack of that got him in this place to begin with. This time when he smiles it's genuine but sad, one hand lifting to press lightly to his cheek again. "You can't stop me, Remus. If you stop me then none of this will ever end and I can't live knowing I could have resolved everything. Please don't ask that of me."

There's a lingering silence after that, heavy with meaning. He should be leaving but he's considering his options, trying to make sure Remus won't be able to follow him. He wants to say something, anything—and what comes out isn't what he'd initially intended.

"Tell me you don't really think I'm like them, Remus." It's hoarse as it passes his lips, his eyes closed so he can't see his face. "I don't care if you really mean it or not, just make me believe you think better than me of that. Please, I need to hear it."

(He hates himself a little more for being this weak.)

"Please."

He opens his eyes, finally, looking up at Regulus like his whole world is ending. Because it is. He stares into Regulus' eyes, hardly able to see clearly for the tears but needing him to see that he means every word he says.

"I don't. I don't, I swear I don't, Reg–" Remus chokes back a sob, hands finally releasing the front of Regulus' cloak to slide up his neck until he's got Regulus' face in his hands. His voice is strained with fear and distress and a hundred other emotions that threaten to consume him whole, but the words keep coming like water from a tap that can't be turned off.

"Please, Reg, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never should have said those things to you and I can't take them back or even ask for your forgiveness because what I did was unforgivable but none of it was true and I know you're different, Reg. I love you; I never stopped. You're a far better man than I am. You're good and you've done so much more than I ever could and I love you and and I– I'm so sorry, Reg..."

He should be gone. He should have left, should have gone to tell Sirius goodbye, though not tell him the extent of it - but instead he's here, clutching at the front of Remus' shirt and sobbing as he crawls into his lap. He doesn't think he believes that Remus really trusts him, but he can pretend for this. Needs to pretend for this.

He doesn't say anything for a very long time, breathing shakily. Nothing can ever be the same, but this moment will exist in perpetuity. It has to be enough.

Hopefully Remus won't notice that he has his wand in hand as he clutches at Remus' chest, or that the inaudible murmur actually means something. In fact, he tucks it away again before Remus can notice and finally smiles, just a little, even though it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Thank you," he murmurs, "and I'm sorry. For not being trustworthy enough." A breath as he lets go and stands, one hand smoothing over Remus' hair as he kisses him softly on the lips, the forehead. "And for this."

He takes a step back and if Remus tries to get up to follow him, he won't be able to. Regulus' smile now is sad and he takes in Remus' face like he never wants to forget it. "I can't let you stop me. I'm sorry. It will wear off eventually, but I need time to say goodbye to Sirius and to get to where I'm going." Something pained crosses his face, but he reins it in. "Please forgive me, but don't try to follow me. Just... Go to Dumbledore, tell him what I said. Please."

He surges forward for one more kiss. "I love you."

Remus doesn't notice a thing with Regulus so close to him, because Regulus is here and Regulus is real and he can feel the whole weight of him to prove it when he never thought he'd be allowed to feel this close to him again. He's sobbing silently against Regulus' shoulder when Regulus pulls away to kiss him, and he returns the kiss in that same desperate, needy manner, leaning forward to follow when Regulus moves because he doesn't want it to end.

He never wants it to end. Not like this.

Regulus' words catch up with him just as he's moving to rise from the chair, and amber eyes pop open to stare at Regulus with dawning horror. "Reg..!" Remus struggles, fresh panic rising in him anew when he finds that no matter how hard he struggles, he's unable to stand.

"No..!" His voice is so high that he doesn't recognize it, hitting a frenzied pitch as he fights the spell that binds him to the chair. "Regulus, no, please, you can't," he cries hoarsely, drowning out Regulus' words as he continues to squirm this way and that. Even as Regulus claims one more kiss from him (is this the way he'll remember their final kiss? struggling so futilely he couldn't even savor that last taste of his love?), he's leaning forward and pulling so hard that he hears his arms pop in complaint, voice rising to a half-incoherent fever pitch imbued with fear and anguish.

"Regulus, please, don't do this! Let me go, let me help you, I can't help Regulus, please. Please! Reglulus!"

Regulus hadn't accounted for Remus yelling, he realizes, but even now he can't bring himself to silence him. He clutches Remus' face in both hands instead, looking at him. "You can help," he says, softly, trying to break through his panic. "I need you to be able to tell Dumbledore. No one else can do it, and if you go with me you won't be able to. Please, that's all I can ask of you."

And another kiss, light, before he whispers against his mouth. "Don't think it's you. I was going to do this anyway. I need you to let me go. I do love you, I do."

He has to hurry now, glancing over his shoulder as he goes and shutting the door behind him. He has to go say goodbye to Sirius, too. He hopes he's already awake so he doesn't have to wake him. He doesn't have much time. He pauses outside the door though, wiping his face and schooling his expression calm with a faint smile. Compartmentalizing.

Then he steps inside the room to speak to his brother.

His sobs are barely differentiable from his incoherent cries now, and he throws himself forward with such force once Regulus pulls away that the heavy base of the chair tips forward dangerously. But no matter how hard he tugs and pulls and strains against the invisible force (will he have scars marring his skin from this night too?), the spell holds firm.

Remus' screams follow Regulus down the hallway, a steady litany of No! and Please! and REGULUS! that carries nearly all the way to Sirius' room.

He's unconscious, still, when Regulus comes to his room. It hasn't been so long, after all-- for all that it must have felt like a lifetime to both Regulus and Remus. He's resting more or less peacefully.

At least, he is until the door opens and the faint sound of yelling gets him stirring slightly. He's remains asleep, but it might be easier to wake him, now that there's been noise to stimulate his senses.

Regulus should have expected this. All of it. He considers casting a belated silencing spell on the door at least but it's too late anyway, so instead he just hurries up his timeline, each cry making him feel like he's being stabbed in the heart repeatedly.

And of course Sirius is still asleep; he steps close to the bed and places a gentle hand on top of his brother's, glancing to the door furtively just in case. "Wake up, gēge. I need to go, but I want to talk to you first."

He hopes he doesn't have to do much more to wake him.

Poly-Marauders Torture Hell

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