Ah. Well, there's no turning back now. It really is his fault, after all. He flinches away from Remus when he takes a step forward, a violent and desperate shift of his body. Just like he'd used to. It's just this time it really is Remus he's trying to get away from. "I tried to send him an owl. I tried to warn him. I told it to go to you if it couldn't find him but I don't know what happened to it. It never came back." His voice is shaking slightly, and he knows Remus just told him to stop but he can't help it. He just needs to get it all out. "It is my fault though, for not being able to stop her. You're right there. She wanted me to hurt him but I couldn't. So she tried to Imperius him to hurt me instead but he... He broke out of it. And that's when she got more angry. That's when it got worse, and it's my fault because she noticed the Cruciatus wasn't hurting him as much as it was supposed to—"
"I just wanted to help," he keens quietly, broken.
He's babbling but he knows by now that Remus isn't going to believe him. And he realizes something suddenly. It hits him so hard in the chest that he lets out a laugh, sharp and hoarse and wild. "Shit."
He slides down the door then, head tipped back against it so that he can look up at Remus from the floor. He pulls out his wand but simply tosses it across the room, wondering if Remus will just murder him for the movement. He's still laughing for a long moment as he drags a hand down his face. "Despite everything you told me, you chose him in the end. I'm glad for it though, he deserves you more. You deserve better than a monster like me."
His grin is bright when his hand drops, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "So kill me, Remus. Kill me and put me out of my bloody misery because it's my fault Sirius is like this. I'm unarmed, it won't be difficult." Then he breathes sharply out through his nose. "Don't use the killing curse, though. You never come back from that. I'd know." A beat, trying to rein in his crazy laughter in the face of being so heartbroken he doesn't think he can survive anyway. "I want you to be able to sleep at night after this."
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"I just wanted to help," he keens quietly, broken.
He's babbling but he knows by now that Remus isn't going to believe him. And he realizes something suddenly. It hits him so hard in the chest that he lets out a laugh, sharp and hoarse and wild. "Shit."
He slides down the door then, head tipped back against it so that he can look up at Remus from the floor. He pulls out his wand but simply tosses it across the room, wondering if Remus will just murder him for the movement. He's still laughing for a long moment as he drags a hand down his face. "Despite everything you told me, you chose him in the end. I'm glad for it though, he deserves you more. You deserve better than a monster like me."
His grin is bright when his hand drops, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "So kill me, Remus. Kill me and put me out of my bloody misery because it's my fault Sirius is like this. I'm unarmed, it won't be difficult." Then he breathes sharply out through his nose. "Don't use the killing curse, though. You never come back from that. I'd know." A beat, trying to rein in his crazy laughter in the face of being so heartbroken he doesn't think he can survive anyway. "I want you to be able to sleep at night after this."