rab: (nobody ever said i was alive)
regulus arcturus black. ([personal profile] rab) wrote in [community profile] marauderstower 2016-11-01 08:40 am (UTC)

Something in him shrivels up and dies right then and there. As soon as those first words leave Remus' mouth he realizes just what's happening - he's not angry with Regulus for what he'd thought was the case — a failure on his part. Remus believes he participated, that he did it on purpose. Sirius has told Remus this, even though Regulus had tried his best to help him. A low sob chokes and dies in his throat and he realizes in that moment that for the first time in his life, he really is well and truly alone. For the first time, he's truly frightened of both the man he loves and his own brother.

Abandoned by Sirius, hated by Remus. There's nothing left for him. He almost wants to try to goad Remus on into killing him just to put himself out of his misery but he can't bring himself to do it despite everything. "That's what... That's what Sirius said? That I did it?" He feels cold and empty as he slumps against the door, looking at Remus hollowly as he continues to berate him—

—the way Remus spits and the last words he says have the biggest effect on him of any of it. His face contorts painfully as he jerks back a little further to press himself against the door and lets out a noise akin to a dog that's been kicked, high-pitched and agonized. It's another thing he has in common with Sirius, like their laughs. The sob rips out of his throat this time and he covers his face with his hands, entire body trembling. He thinks it would hurt less if Remus had just stabbed him in the heart. He knows he's completely vulnerable like this but he doesn't care. Remus is probably going to think he's still faking it and Sirius planted that seed so what does it matter? He's still crying. He feels like he's going to hyperventilate.

"Don't say that," he whispers, "please, anything but that—" that whimper again, utterly broken. He's waiting for Remus to definitely kill him. "I never lied to you," his words all feel like dust in his mouth. "I would never, please, Remus I love you, how can you say that after everything they did to Sirius and me, I showed you what they did, I trusted you with those secrets—"

(So, about that hyperventilating. He can't breathe. He wants to die, it will be better than this, better than knowing that Remus thinks this of him.)

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