marauderstower | Poly-Marauders Baby Drama

[The sound of the door to the flat opening and closing draws him out of his anxious pacing. But the wards don't detect an intruder and soon enough Sirius walks into the kitchen. By then, Remus is sitting down, trying to look like he isn't on the verge of a complete breakdown.]

Padfoot! Wasn't expecting you to be home this soon.

[It's fine he's fine this is fine]

[He is not fine. This is not fine. Literally nothing is fine right now.]

Finished up earlier than we thought we would. Seemed to make more sense to just do what we needed to do rather than linger.

[Which means he's available to settle down into a chair near the other young man, one hand reaching out to him fretfully.]

You okay?

[Remus' smile is strained but he takes Sirius' hand. Outright denying that anything is wrong would be idiotic and he knows that. He's not that delusional, he knows they all know he's worrying, but they probably don't know exactly why.]

Okay as I can be... given everything that's happening.

[Not technically a lie. More of a non-answer. He's good at those.]

[At least he takes his hand. That's got Sirius smiling slightly, albeit shakily, as he squeezes back.]

Fair.

[They're all feeling that way, after all.]

Just seems-- I dunno. You've been seeming especially-- freaked out, in the last day or so. Can I help?

[He winces a little at the question. He hasn't had to really lie to any of them since they'd figured out his furry little problem in Third Year, and it's killing him to do it now, especially with the thoughts constantly clawing at his mind.]

Not much--- anyone can do, really. I mean, we're already doing what we can, aren't we?

[More non-answers. Maybe Sirius won't notice, because he's not sure he'd be able to handle much pressing.]

[The slight wince has him frowning, squeezing Remus' hand back fretfully.]

Yeah, I guess. Never hurts t'-- talk about it though, right?

[Or at least that's what they'd used to encourage him to do, when he was struggling. Surely it works the same now.]

[He looks away, brows knit with worry. The words that come out aren't exactly what he means to say.]

Have you thought about-- about which of us it is? Which of us is the father? [A pause.] I mean-- I know it's all of ours, but-- you know. [This could sound like some sort of jealousy-based issue, but it really is not.]

[It's not something he anticipated hearing from Remus. It certainly sounds like jealousy. It's got him tilting his head in curiosity before he replies.]

Honestly? Not-- really. We're gonna be-- dads either way, t'me.

[It doesn't matter who the biological father is, because genetics aren't necessarily what terrifies Sirius. It's more his parents' lack of skills that keeps him up at night.

Which doesn't seem to be the case at all, for the other wizard.]

's that what you've been-- thinking about?

Yes. I--

[He swallows roughly, that same fear he'd had when they'd first confirmed Lily was pregnant in his eyes again.]

Sirius. What if it's mine? I-- My kind doesn't breed! What if I've passed my condition onto-- onto an innocent child? I was so-- so stupid, so careless, to let this happen!

[Oh. Well that makes so much more sense. That's got his frown growing deeper with every word that the other man utters. He tries to listen, but he's not going to be able to help the way he leans forward all the more closer, capturing both his hands in his, now.]

Remus John Lupin. [His voice rarely sounds so cold, so disapproving-- so like his mother. It makes him wince and soften his tone almost instantly.] I hate it when you talk about yourself like this. Your 'kind' is every single good person in this world that doesn't think well of themselves. You're not an other, especially not to us.

[That feels like an important place to start, before he can gather his thoughts enough to address the other concern.]

And you're right. We don't-- know what will happen, with the baby, if it is yours. But if you have, then we'll figure it out like we're figuring-- everything else out. You weren't the only one of us stupid and careless in all this, and it's not going to change anything now to be fretting yourself sick about a what-if that we're months away from seeing if it's got any truth to it.

[His instinct is to pull away, to withdraw, to hide, but he stays, for the moment, and listens. He keeps his hands in Sirius'.

Getting full-named like that, especially in that cold a tone from Sirius, is enough of a surprise that perhaps he's simply too stunned to move.

Of course he knows none of them like to hear those sorts of thoughts from him. That's why he normally tries to keep them to himself. And he knows they accept him, knows it in his bones, but it doesn't keep out the rest of the world. The distrust, the outright hatred and disgust and cruelty... You get told you're sub-human enough times by enough people, you start to internalize it, no matter what those closest to you say.

When Sirius admits that he has a point, he looks away again, closing his eyes painfully. It hurts to hear, even still. But Sirius continues on and Remus can't help but think that he doesn't understand, that maybe he really can't. Maybe Remus is the only one that can really comprehend why even the thought is so reprehensible, so inexcusable.

Who else knows what it's like to be too young to understand why your parents who love you have to lock you in the basement for an entire night once a month while you go through immense pain, suffering alone? How would Sirius know what it's like to have a stranger, an adult, call you a hideous beast to your face at the age of seven? Would he understand the toll it took, having to move every few months before the neighbors started to get suspicious? Does he know what it's like to sit in a classroom while a teacher references the work of a man who wrote an entire book about how creatures like you don't deserve to live, unable to say anything for fear everyone would find out you were one of the very monsters they were learning about?

It's not his fault, that he doesn't fully know these things. Remus is glad he doesn't, because no one should. No one ever should, and that's why it's inexcusable that he has possibly inflicted that life on an infant, on his own child, before it ever even took it's first breath. How is that any different than what Greyback did to him?]

This is-- beyond the carelessness of the timing, Sirius. I should never have risked having a child. This is hardly-- hardly the first time I've considered this possibility, I-- I should have known better.

We don't know anything.

[One hand disentangles itself from gripping at Remus', lifting to try to touch at his cheek. There's an earnestness in his expression-- and certainly love. He doesn't know what to say that will make this better, but he just wants the fear in his partner's eyes to go away. He wants him to be happy.

There is so, so much more that has to change before that's even a lasting possibility, though, and it kills him.]

We don't know if the baby's yours. We don't know if they'll inherit your condition if they did. We also don't know if maybe-- we'll lose, and the baby will grow up in a horrible world none of us wanted. Or maybe we're all going to die tomorrow and maybe it won't matter. Remus, everything about our lives now is a risk, but we're still here. We're still loving one another and trying to be happy because the future is worth it, if it comes.

[Unfortunately it'd take a lot more than just the war ending for him to not be afraid of this. It'd take the impossible; a cure. A real cure. And none of them can provide that. He doesn't open his eyes, doesn't turn back even when a hand touches his cheek.

He wants to believe Sirius' words, he really does, but is a future filled with that much pain really worth it? And even if the baby is fine, having a werewolf for a parent isn't safe at all. Either they'd have to keep moving like Remus' parents did to keep his secret or he'd open the child and his partners up to the hatred and vitriol that was so often spat at his kind. Isn't it enough that he has to bare that? Dragging them into it isn't what he wants.

He opens his eyes again, but still doesn't meet Sirius' gaze.]

I'm terrified, Sirius. I can't shake the feeling that-- that if it's mine, it will inherit it. I just know it will.

[Lily would be better at this, likely. James, maybe, as well. But they aren't here, and all Sirius has is his insufficient self and the love he bears this other young man.

Leaning forward to rest his head against Remus' is all he can do.]

You can't know that, not really. [He doesn't know if the uncertainty makes it better or worse-- At least it means a chance Remus' fears won't come true.] And 'm sorry you're scared. What'd-- How can I help?

[Can he help, really?]

Poly-Marauders Baby Drama

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