marauderstower | Severus & Living with the Evans'

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Severus & Living with the Evans'

Severus still felt in shock over what had happened. Sitting out in the backyard of the Evans Home he just he just had his thoughts and memories for company. When he'd returned home for the summer it had only been to ensure his mother was alright, and because he had nowhere else to go. No money, despite being seventeen and of legal age int he wizarding world. Instead hell had broken loose and now his world was upside down.

But, he had Lily. Bridges haphazardly mended through tragedy, but she was here. The loss of his mother was somehow made bearable with her presence, a bit of light shining in his world once more. Fighting back the darkness and shadows.

Everything wasn't alright yet. There was still James Potter and the others, his continued love for a girl that in his mind could never be his. The need to protect her from the fallout of having her in his home and vice-versa. Of the connections he had made, and the destruction of all he had managed to build for himself so far.

It was a lot of thoughts weighing heavily on the mind of a seventeen-year-old still mourning the deaths of his parents, one by his own magic lashing out, nevermind it was in self-defense. Tobias was a horrible human being, but he'd still been Severus' father. Severus lowered his head and ran his long fingers through his hair; curly and healthy with a good wash, good food and the lack of potion fumes weighing it down.

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Severus was brought out of his thoughts as Lily's shadow fell over him. He looked up at her, beautiful even in her floppy hat and ridiculous sunglasses. There was still that dull ache in his chest at the sight of her, knowing he could never have this bright creature. Knowing he would need to be forever grateful that as friends she could still be in his life, even as shaky as that mended bridge was.

Severus took the glass from her. "Thank you," he said, though he hadn't been thirsty. He frowned briefly at the cute straw before sighing and sipping from it. It was because of Lily. He'd suffer cute straws and lingering heartache to keep her in his life.

Severus stretched his long legs out before him on the grass, leaning back against the garden bench. He was looking down at the glass now and not at Lily. He couldn't look at her as she spoke the words he hadn't since being distraught after the Tragedy. "I am sorry, Lily. I know I said it before, but I was emotional and not really myself. So I just what you to know, I really mean it. I'm sorry for my words, for letting my anger and... shame get the better of me." And there it was, Severus Snape. Apologizing. A rare thing, especially coming a second time as it was.

The piece of her that had been removed so painfully was now sewn back on haphazardly but it was back, it was working, it was something. She knew they'd probably never have again what they did once, but she would take what she could get.

"Mmhmmm." Lily took a drink of her own before setting the glass behind her on the bench so that it wouldn't tip over in the grass. When Severus spoke she listened closely, shifting a bit so that she could rest her arms on her knees and then her cheek atop that, head turned toward him to look at him even though Severus was looking away from her. Searching his profile.

"I'm not going to say that it's okay because it's not," she said at length, quiet. She continued right afterward though, not leaving a gap long enough for any thought spiraling to happen. "But I do accept your apology, and thank you for it."

There was a pause then, a rather long one, and now it was Lily that looked away, out across the lawn. "I missed you."

Severus kept his eyes averted, unable to face her still. He wasn't very old, but Severus wasn't good at sharing his feelings, never had been. He'd been a boastful boy trying to find his own importance and place in the world, and was a teen still struggling with that, but further along in cementing his identity. Still, sharing emotions would never be a strong point.

As Lily began to speak Severus felt a brief spike of fear, that quickly abated as she continued on. Her words soothing that fear, though the ache remained. He knew then he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her, atoning for his mistakes.

He was about to respond to end the silence when Lily spoke yet again, three words acting like a sucker punch to Severus. He was silent, lips closing. The hand holding the glass tightened around it. The other rose up as he ducked his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. Emotions welled up inside of him at her simple words. Tears burned behind his eyes, wanting release though he held them back. She'd missed him, and Merlin, he'd missed her too.

He was quiet a long moment as he tried to control his emotions. The depth of his feelings for her.

"I missed you, too," he finally said. No tears fell, but his voice was rough as his emotions bled through. Still pinching the bridge of his nose to help ground himself.

Lily was awful at keeping her emotions in check. She'd always been the bright sun, the fiery anger, everything sharply passionate and larger-than-life. It was just how she was, how she'd always be.

She hadn't meant to upset him. She truly hadn't, and it felt like a ball of guilt in her chest. She knew him well enough even now to work through his emotions and for a moment she just breathed quietly, though it hitched once when he said he missed her too. Nothing would ever be the same again, but--

After that Lily moved slowly, making sure that Severus could see what she was doing and stop her if he wanted to. She knew better than to spring things on anyone like that. If he let her she would take the glass from him and set it safely aside before clutching his hand with both of her own and tipping her head down so she could press her forehead to the back of it.

"Severus."

That was all she said.

(If he did stop her or at all look like he didn't want her to touch him she would instead drop her hands back to where they'd been, saying his name anyway.)

Severus finally looked to Lily when she took his glass away. Dark eyes watchful, calculating her every move. Searching for answers to questions... questions without real words to them. Just trying to understand her movements and what she was up to.

Of course he let her touch him, take his hand. It wasn't in him to deny her anything. Lily was an angel, pure and terrifying to his darkened soul. Proven by her ability to forgive him, to touch him to... He didn't know or understand the meaning behind this. Her forehead against his hand. He was rendered breathless for a time.

His free hand gently removed the floppy hat and set it aside, so he could see her. It then came down to lightly rest upon her head, because he didn't know what else to do. What was he allowed to do? "Lily..." he said her name, tapering off after, sounding lost, and if she looked up to him she would see that lost tone reflected on his normally controlled face.

Lily didn't say anything for a very long time after that, just sitting that way and breathing and trying not to cry. She didn't want to cry in front of him, not right now, even though the emotions were right there in her throat, choking her.

She wanted... She didn't know what she wanted. She did know that Severus had let her do this, had placed his hand on her head, and she didn't know what to do for a moment. Finally she lifted a hand to take off her glasses and lift her head, looking at him properly without them for the first time since she'd come outside.

She knew his tone too and she bit her lip a moment before lifting onto her knees to lean in and give him a light peck on the lips - barely there, something sweet and chaste and sorry. Then she looked away, a little overwhelmed.

"It was like cutting off my right arm and trying to keep living without it."

As Lily moves, Severus becomes wary. Like he's about to be attacked, or that the other shoes is going to drop. Watching Lily with himself to exposed and vulnerable, waiting for... something, anything. His life leading him to expect the worst, never daring to dream that anything different could happen.

Then her lips are there, soft and warm against his own. A brief touch, as chaste as her image to him was pure. His hands fell uselessly into his lap, eyes closing as she pulled away. The first tear falling as she spoke those words. He knew the kiss was that of a dear friend, and it hurt all the more. A knife twisting sharply in his chest to hear words similar to his own, yet wholly different.

"Yes... it was. What will you have of me, Lily?" As he spoke his eyes opened, bright with the gathered tears. He looked at her, struggling to hold himself in check. "Say it, and it will be yours. I-I cannot lose you again." the 'you are all I have left' was left unsaid.

Well, he hadn't reacted badly but she also hadn't anticipated upsetting him more, which in turn upset her more, and she was frustrated with the way that this was becoming a positive feedback loop.

Still, she didn't begrudge him it and shook her head immediately, staring at him wide-eyed and a little owlish before her expression calmed a bit. "Don't," she murmured, shaking her head. "You don't... You don't have to do anything. I don't want you to go on some quest for repentance or--whatever, no. It's not like that."

There was another of those brief pauses before she kissed him again, trying to get the point across more firmly that way. This time she lingered there, a hand resting at his shoulder delicately. Then she pulled back, shaking her head again. "You don't have to bring me the world to keep me."

It was the combination of her words and the second kiss that broke through his self-deprecating thoughts that had friend-zoned himself. Thinking she could never possibly look at him in any way beyond that. A hand rose up to over hers as it rested against him, his large hand easily engulfing her smaller one. The other coming up to cup her cheek,

"You deserve the world, and more," he said before leaning in the distance to kiss her lips softly in return. A brief kiss, as he respect her parents far too much to ever take advantage of this situation for more. So the kiss ended without going further. Instead he raised her hand from his chest and pressed his lips to the back of her hand, letting his kiss linger there.

"Please tell me this is no nightmare meant to break me." Because if it was? Severus was sure he would in fact be broken upon waking. He'd loved her for what felt like so long. ever since they were young children eagerly meeting in the park to practice magic long before they should have been.

Lily returned that soft kiss easily, leaning into it with a brief flutter of almost disappointment flashing across her features when he pulled away. It was possible she thought it a bit too much of that sort of respect, though she understood why and wasn't going to outright complain.

Especially when he was so sweet just after - eventually she turned her hand in his, moving it so that it could rest against his jaw, his cheek, her gaze seeking out his to look at him directly before she spoke.

"Being angry at someone, or disappointed, doesn't preclude love. It never has and it never will, and I never ever stopped. Or do you think I didn't love you then, either? If I hadn't then why would I have been so hurt?"

It was quiet, a gentle admission even as she shifted higher on her knees so that she could coil her free arm around his neck and press their foreheads together, unmoving after that.

Severus looked up with her hand on his face, his eyes still wet but no longer threatening tears. Looking at Lily with all the emotions she inspired in him clear as day. There was a bit of guilt, determination to make things right, soft affection, awe, and yes even love A deep love he was sure he could never be rid of.

"I didn't dare think your love for me could be as more than a friend. I've loved you for so long, Lily. But you never seemed to look at me like I did to you." His eyes closed as he took in the moment with their foreheads touching. Just soaking it up, like a balm on his torn heart. His hands moving until they ran up and down her arms, enjoying the freedom to touch her, if only this small amount.

"Merlin, how I love you. You are the light of my life."

"I wanted things to be different," Lily admitted softly then - needed them to be, likely, because she definitely meant the fact he'd been so deeply steeped in his fascination with the dark arts. "But I still..."

Then she smiled, shaking her head just a little. "I love you too, you know. Or, well, you know now." His hands on her arms were nice and she leaned into him a bit more after that, tipping her head to briefly nose against his cheek. "Stay with me, this time."

It had nothing to do with the fact she'd told him to leave her alone back then and everything to do with her needing him to stay here, with her, closer to the light. After a moment's thought she kissed him again, still soft but more insistent for it, a little more lingering - just in case the reason he was so cautious was because he thought she wanted it that way.

Still, she wouldn't force the matter.

"They can be different now," he said, though it was obvious that was a hard concept.He knew the things she disapproved in him, the people he associated with she disapproved of. He wouldn't and couldn't change himself completely. Didn't think she would want that. He would try to give her less reason to be disappointed in him.

He kissed her back, letting it linger some before pulling back to kiss her forehead. "I will stay with you. Always." He sighed and tucked bits of her hair back behind her ear, gazing up at her, so happy but... rational. "But I can't be the good and light person you deserve, my friends... Lucius, Narcissa and Regulus, I will not set them aside. But I wont succumb to their ways. They are good people, just traditional. Will you trust me in this?"

There was a slight pout this time when he pulled away, but perhaps she was pushing it so she stopped, sighing and leaning into the kiss to her forehead. "Good," she murmured, of him staying with her, happy to hear it coming directly from him. She didn't want him to change completely, just... not to get lost in it.

When he spoke again she straightened to look at him, eyes searching his face. "If you were too sweet, I wouldn't believe it was you." That much was a compliment, really - a lot of people thought of Lily as some sainted perfection and--she was definitely kind, and had certainly been kind to Severus, but he was also one of the few people that knew how sharp and cunning and sometimes vicious she could be. It was just always directed at others and not him; they'd been best friends for so long, they had to have matched in at least some ways.

But either way she sighed, not finding anything she disliked in his expression. "I trust you, but it's still going to bother me that those traditional views involve thinking of people like me the way they do, you know that." It made her uncomfortable, frankly.

Severus smiled slightly, one of the smiles few ever got to see. Genuine and with emotion. A hand caressed down over the side of her face with all the care and affection he felt for her. His angel, his light within the darkness.

"It is not traditionalism that makes them say those terms, to think that way. It is fear and anger that their ways are being forgotten as those of use raised among muggles instead push muggle thoughts and values upon them." Severus closed up a bit for a moment then, looking down from her eyes.

"It was... weakness that had me saying what I did. I... should have been stronger. Strong enough to hold back their fearful rhetoric."

"No one is pushing anything," she said firmly, "we're just existing. It's them pushing back on us."

But she's too tired to argue at the moment. She just looked at him then, brow furrowed. "Hold back? Hold back a belief or keep it from coiling up inside you?" She sighed, dipping her head down. "I'm so tired, Severus. I'm tired and I feel like we're all going to get trapped in this and there'll be nothing we can possibly do."

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Severus & Living with the Evans'

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